Advertisements
Steven Wright Quotes
Advertisements
Advertisements
Advertisements
Advertisements
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
){kind=link}
Friendship Quotes
Love Quotes
Life Quotes
Funny Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Quotes
Advertisements
Text Quotes
The things I talk about and explain couldn’t happen - yet, they don’t seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it’s trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is (Steven Wright Quotes)
There’s something about being in front of a live audience that’s fun. It’s a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can’t get it anywhere else. And I’ve been doing it since I was 23, so it’s part of my being - it’s part of my fabric as a person (Steven Wright Quotes)
To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is (Steven Wright Quotes)
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’ (Steven Wright Quotes)
When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel (Steven Wright Quotes)
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? (Steven Wright Quotes)
My school colors were clear. We used to say, ‘I’m not naked, I’m in the band (Steven Wright Quotes)
You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament (Steven Wright Quotes)
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said ‘pet supplies.’ So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, ‘Compact cars (Steven Wright Quotes)
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time (Steven Wright Quotes)
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman (Steven Wright Quotes)
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here (Steven Wright Quotes)
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments (Steven Wright Quotes)
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it’s unbelievably clear (Steven Wright Quotes)
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water? (Steven Wright Quotes)
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said ‘I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.’ I said, oops (Steven Wright Quotes)
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger. (Steven Wright Quotes)
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. (Steven Wright Quotes)
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension. (Steven Wright Quotes)
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I’m not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal. (Steven Wright Quotes)
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. (Steven Wright Quotes)
Babies don’t need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off. (Steven Wright Quotes)
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I’d dream about it being me. (Steven Wright Quotes)
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it. (Steven Wright Quotes)
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year. (Steven Wright Quotes)
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK. (Steven Wright Quotes)
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. (Steven Wright Quotes)
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread (Steven Wright Quotes)
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, Go ahead, touch it... it feels real. (Steven Wright Quotes)
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. (Steven Wright Quotes)