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Steven Wright Quotes

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree Picture Quote #1

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child Picture Quote #1

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? Picture Quote #1

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? Picture Quote #1

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don’t remember what it was Picture Quote #1

I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I’ll need some friends Picture Quote #1

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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes Picture Quote #1

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot Picture Quote #1

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot Picture Quote #1

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don’t know how I got there Picture Quote #1

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store Picture Quote #1

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths Picture Quote #1

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I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list Picture Quote #1

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world Picture Quote #1

I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, Here, you can go Picture Quote #1

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? Picture Quote #1

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open Picture Quote #1

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now Picture Quote #1

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In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it Picture Quote #1

You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time Picture Quote #1

People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he’s weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them Picture Quote #1

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be Picture Quote #1

I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday Picture Quote #1

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! Picture Quote #1

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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job Picture Quote #1

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically Picture Quote #1

I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’ Picture Quote #1

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding Picture Quote #1

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, ‘No thanks, I’m not going that far Picture Quote #1

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. (Steven Wright Quotes) I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. (Steven Wright Quotes) Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist? (Steven Wright Quotes) If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work? (Steven Wright Quotes) Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don’t remember what it was... (Steven Wright Quotes) I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I’ll need some friends. (Steven Wright Quotes) I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes. (Steven Wright Quotes) I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I’m an idiot. (Steven Wright Quotes) Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot. (Steven Wright Quotes) I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don’t know how I got there. (Steven Wright Quotes) The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store. (Steven Wright Quotes) The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. (Steven Wright Quotes) I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. (Steven Wright Quotes) Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. (Steven Wright Quotes) I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, Here, you can go (Steven Wright Quotes) If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? (Steven Wright Quotes) I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open. (Steven Wright Quotes) I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. (Steven Wright Quotes) In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you’d get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it’s hard work, almost harder once you’re successful because you’ve got to maintain it. (Steven Wright Quotes) You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time. (Steven Wright Quotes) People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he’s weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them. (Steven Wright Quotes) I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I’m very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I’m feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It’s gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be. (Steven Wright Quotes) I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday. (Steven Wright Quotes) Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically! (Steven Wright Quotes) I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. (Steven Wright Quotes) I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically. (Steven Wright Quotes) I went to a garage sale. ‘How much for the garage’ ‘It’s not for sale.’ (Steven Wright Quotes) I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding (Steven Wright Quotes) I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, ‘No thanks, I’m not going that far. (Steven Wright Quotes) Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right. (Steven Wright Quotes)

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