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Steven Wright Quotes

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes Picture Quote #1

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist Picture Quote #1

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I’m unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious Picture Quote #1

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! Picture Quote #1

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there Picture Quote #1

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator Picture Quote #1

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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter Picture Quote #1

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’ Picture Quote #1

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died Picture Quote #1

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish Picture Quote #1

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing Picture Quote #1

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... ‘How to Build a Boat.’ Picture Quote #1

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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous Picture Quote #1

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business Picture Quote #1

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things Picture Quote #1

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics Picture Quote #1

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written Picture Quote #1

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream Picture Quote #1

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I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’ Picture Quote #1

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... ‘Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?’ Picture Quote #1

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see Picture Quote #1

George Carlin’s album, ‘Class Clown,’ came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I’d come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don’t even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it Picture Quote #1

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same Picture Quote #1

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That’s normally how I perform. That’s how I am Picture Quote #1

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I paint; I draw and paint - I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy Picture Quote #1

I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house Picture Quote #1

I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual Picture Quote #1

It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet Picture Quote #1

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about Picture Quote #1

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes (Steven Wright Quotes) Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist (Steven Wright Quotes) Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I’m unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious (Steven Wright Quotes) I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! (Steven Wright Quotes) I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there (Steven Wright Quotes) I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator (Steven Wright Quotes) I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter (Steven Wright Quotes) I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’ (Steven Wright Quotes) Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died (Steven Wright Quotes) Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish (Steven Wright Quotes) The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing (Steven Wright Quotes) Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... ‘How to Build a Boat.’ (Steven Wright Quotes) Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it’s dangerous (Steven Wright Quotes) I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business (Steven Wright Quotes) I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things (Steven Wright Quotes) I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald’s. I’m completely turned off by the idea of politics (Steven Wright Quotes) Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I’m not an improv guy. I’m a writer-guy who presents what he’s written (Steven Wright Quotes) Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream (Steven Wright Quotes) I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, ‘You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.’ (Steven Wright Quotes) Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... ‘Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?’ (Steven Wright Quotes) Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see (Steven Wright Quotes) George Carlin’s album, ‘Class Clown,’ came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I’d come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don’t even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it (Steven Wright Quotes) I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I’ve read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it’s the same (Steven Wright Quotes) I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That’s normally how I perform. That’s how I am (Steven Wright Quotes) I paint; I draw and paint - I’ve been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy (Steven Wright Quotes) I’m used to seeing it, but it’s weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it’s kind of surreal to have one in your house (Steven Wright Quotes) I’ve been doing comedy longer than I haven’t been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on ‘The Tonight Show.’ There’s truly nothing like it; it’s intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual (Steven Wright Quotes) It’s very intense to be in front of a live audience. It’s just an amazing experience. It’s dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It’s electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you’re on this other planet (Steven Wright Quotes) My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he’s my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don’t really remember what we talked about (Steven Wright Quotes) My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going (Steven Wright Quotes)

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