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Steven Wright Quotes

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Picture Quote #1

When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything Picture Quote #1

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out Picture Quote #1

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving Picture Quote #1

When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic Picture Quote #1

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car Picture Quote #1

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de - humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out Picture Quote #1

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out Picture Quote #1

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone Picture Quote #1

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window Picture Quote #1

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving Picture Quote #1

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators Picture Quote #1

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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five Picture Quote #1

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place Picture Quote #1

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night Picture Quote #1

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it Picture Quote #1

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can’t hear him talk Picture Quote #1

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it Picture Quote #1

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I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list Picture Quote #1

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out Picture Quote #1

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you’ve seen it Picture Quote #1

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side Picture Quote #1

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific Picture Quote #1

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums Picture Quote #1

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If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny Picture Quote #1

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? Picture Quote #1

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature Picture Quote #1

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant Picture Quote #1

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen Picture Quote #1

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? (Steven Wright Quotes) When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything (Steven Wright Quotes) I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out (Steven Wright Quotes) When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving (Steven Wright Quotes) When I have a kid, I want to put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic (Steven Wright Quotes) I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car (Steven Wright Quotes) For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de - humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out (Steven Wright Quotes) I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out (Steven Wright Quotes) I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone (Steven Wright Quotes) I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window (Steven Wright Quotes) I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving (Steven Wright Quotes) There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators (Steven Wright Quotes) I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five (Steven Wright Quotes) I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place (Steven Wright Quotes) Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night (Steven Wright Quotes) Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it (Steven Wright Quotes) George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can’t hear him talk (Steven Wright Quotes) I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it (Steven Wright Quotes) I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list (Steven Wright Quotes) I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out (Steven Wright Quotes) I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you’ve seen it (Steven Wright Quotes) I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side (Steven Wright Quotes) I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific (Steven Wright Quotes) I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums (Steven Wright Quotes) If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny (Steven Wright Quotes) If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? (Steven Wright Quotes) It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature (Steven Wright Quotes) My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant (Steven Wright Quotes) Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen (Steven Wright Quotes) When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually (Steven Wright Quotes)

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