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Jay Leno Quotes

Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this - they were hoping for the death penalty Picture Quote #1

Is it me or is President Bush’s life starting to sound like a country song. He’s from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down Picture Quote #1

A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace Picture Quote #1

Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No, actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress Picture Quote #1

So, Wesley Clark is running for president. Pretty amazing guy. Four star general, first in his class at West Point, supreme commander of NATO, saw combat in Vietnam, won the bronze star, silver star, the purple heart for being wounded in battle. See, I’m no political expert, but that sounds pretty good next to choking on a pretzel, falling off a scooter and dropping the dog Picture Quote #1

George W. Bush loves golf because it’s like the election--low score wins Picture Quote #1

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Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I’m surprised people aren’t calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait ‘till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning Picture Quote #1

Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can’t blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded Picture Quote #1

Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he lied to Congress last week. He’s saying it was just the liquor talking Picture Quote #1

In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other executives. Oh, yeah. When is the last time you got duped and made $100 million? Picture Quote #1

The big rumor going around is, we may begin bombing Iraq. Or, as the White House calls it, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page Picture Quote #1

John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring, will end up stuck in the Senate Picture Quote #1

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John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he’s ahead in the polls. How’s that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he’s up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding Picture Quote #1

John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke Picture Quote #1

John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a ‘charisma black hole.’ Picture Quote #1

Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he’s questioning Bush’s judgment Picture Quote #1

President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating Picture Quote #1

John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them Picture Quote #1

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They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that’s nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: ‘I do.’ Picture Quote #1

Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward Picture Quote #1

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him Picture Quote #1

John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician Picture Quote #1

John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn’t show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality Picture Quote #1

The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it’s the Vietnam War Picture Quote #1

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John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He’s like a mole for the working man Picture Quote #1

Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him Picture Quote #1

According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that’s why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues Picture Quote #1

It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement Picture Quote #1

Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it Picture Quote #1

The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry’s war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I’ll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him Picture Quote #1

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Text Quotes

Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this - they were hoping for the death penalty (Jay Leno Quotes) Is it me or is President Bush’s life starting to sound like a country song. He’s from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down (Jay Leno Quotes) A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace (Jay Leno Quotes) Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia. No, actually, it was just gallstones, but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back, he refused to wear it, he thought it was a gay wedding dress (Jay Leno Quotes) So, Wesley Clark is running for president. Pretty amazing guy. Four star general, first in his class at West Point, supreme commander of NATO, saw combat in Vietnam, won the bronze star, silver star, the purple heart for being wounded in battle. See, I’m no political expert, but that sounds pretty good next to choking on a pretzel, falling off a scooter and dropping the dog (Jay Leno Quotes) George W. Bush loves golf because it’s like the election--low score wins (Jay Leno Quotes) Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I’m surprised people aren’t calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait ‘till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning (Jay Leno Quotes) Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can’t blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded (Jay Leno Quotes) Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he lied to Congress last week. He’s saying it was just the liquor talking (Jay Leno Quotes) In the Enron scandal, whistleblower Sherron Watkins is now calling herself Enron Brokovitch. She testified Ken Lay was duped by the other executives. Oh, yeah. When is the last time you got duped and made $100 million? (Jay Leno Quotes) The big rumor going around is, we may begin bombing Iraq. Or, as the White House calls it, Operation Keep Enron Off The Front Page (Jay Leno Quotes) John Kerry has apologized for saying those who do not study hard and do their homework will get stuck in Iraq. Now, those that do not campaign well and are boring, will end up stuck in the Senate (Jay Leno Quotes) John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he’s ahead in the polls. How’s that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he’s up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding (Jay Leno Quotes) John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke (Jay Leno Quotes) John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a ‘charisma black hole.’ (Jay Leno Quotes) Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he’s questioning Bush’s judgment (Jay Leno Quotes) President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating (Jay Leno Quotes) John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them (Jay Leno Quotes) They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that’s nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: ‘I do.’ (Jay Leno Quotes) Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward (Jay Leno Quotes) The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him (Jay Leno Quotes) John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician (Jay Leno Quotes) John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move for Senator Kerry. If Bush doesn’t show up for the debates, John Kerry may end up debating an empty chair. And that could be pretty much a toss up as to which one has the better personality (Jay Leno Quotes) The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it’s the Vietnam War (Jay Leno Quotes) John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He’s like a mole for the working man (Jay Leno Quotes) Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him (Jay Leno Quotes) According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that’s why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues (Jay Leno Quotes) It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement (Jay Leno Quotes) Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it (Jay Leno Quotes) The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry’s war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I’ll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him (Jay Leno Quotes)

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