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Steven Wright Quotes

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it’s going to be up all night Picture Quote #1

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time Picture Quote #1

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings Picture Quote #1

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing Picture Quote #1

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints Picture Quote #1

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger Picture Quote #1

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If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? Picture Quote #1

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Picture Quote #1

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? Picture Quote #1

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had Picture Quote #1

You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time Picture Quote #1

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone Picture Quote #1

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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad Picture Quote #1

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’ Picture Quote #1

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time Picture Quote #1

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling Picture Quote #1

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends Picture Quote #1

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me Picture Quote #1

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I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now Picture Quote #1

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... It was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again Picture Quote #1

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear a thing Picture Quote #1

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it Picture Quote #1

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote Picture Quote #1

They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right Picture Quote #1

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It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature Picture Quote #1

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, have you got anything I’d like? then they ask me what size I need, and I say, extra medium Picture Quote #1

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it’s going to be up all night Picture Quote #1

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller Picture Quote #1

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes Picture Quote #1

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it’s going to be up all night (Steven Wright Quotes) You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time (Steven Wright Quotes) I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings (Steven Wright Quotes) When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing (Steven Wright Quotes) When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints (Steven Wright Quotes) I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger (Steven Wright Quotes) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? (Steven Wright Quotes) If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? (Steven Wright Quotes) If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? (Steven Wright Quotes) The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had (Steven Wright Quotes) You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time (Steven Wright Quotes) I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone (Steven Wright Quotes) I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad (Steven Wright Quotes) Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’ (Steven Wright Quotes) You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment? I’m like that all the time (Steven Wright Quotes) It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling (Steven Wright Quotes) I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends (Steven Wright Quotes) I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me (Steven Wright Quotes) I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now (Steven Wright Quotes) I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... It was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again (Steven Wright Quotes) I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear a thing (Steven Wright Quotes) I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it (Steven Wright Quotes) I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote (Steven Wright Quotes) They say you’re not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They’re right (Steven Wright Quotes) It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature (Steven Wright Quotes) I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, have you got anything I’d like? then they ask me what size I need, and I say, extra medium (Steven Wright Quotes) I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it’s going to be up all night (Steven Wright Quotes) I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only two inches taller (Steven Wright Quotes) I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes (Steven Wright Quotes) I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night (Steven Wright Quotes)

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