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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved Picture Quote #1

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy Picture Quote #1

Everybody in New York City knows there’s way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964 Picture Quote #1

Let’s face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There’s a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we’re always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn’t buy it Picture Quote #1

Why does McDonald’s have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily? Picture Quote #1

Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn’t it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with Picture Quote #1

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I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire Picture Quote #1

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper Picture Quote #1

Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets Picture Quote #1

Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I’m ready to handle whatever I have to handle Picture Quote #1

Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box Picture Quote #1

There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people Picture Quote #1

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According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy Picture Quote #1

The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning Picture Quote #1

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win Picture Quote #1

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner Picture Quote #1

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers Picture Quote #1

You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out Picture Quote #1

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I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done Picture Quote #1

Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space? Picture Quote #1

The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That’s marriage, it’s kids, it’s work, it’s exercise. Find the torture you’re comfortable with and you’ll do well. You’ve mastered that, you’ve mastered life Picture Quote #1

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later Picture Quote #1

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? Picture Quote #1

What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter Picture Quote #1

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I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of Picture Quote #1

I mean, she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that Picture Quote #1

I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks Picture Quote #1

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have Picture Quote #1

You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture Picture Quote #1

That’s the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

If people would only *Look to the Cookie* - all our problems would be solved (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Everybody in New York City knows there’s way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964 (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Let’s face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There’s a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we’re always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn’t buy it (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Why does McDonald’s have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn’t it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I’m ready to handle whatever I have to handle. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don’t have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on ‘How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That’s marriage, it’s kids, it’s work, it’s exercise. Find the torture you’re comfortable with and you’ll do well. You’ve mastered that, you’ve mastered life. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person? (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I mean, she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes) That’s the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill. (Jerry Seinfeld Quotes)

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