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Jay Leno Quotes

Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help Picture Quote #1

Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party? Picture Quote #1

The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can’t afford to stay in hotels anymore Picture Quote #1

The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump Picture Quote #1

There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it’s the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up Picture Quote #1

They always say the Miss America Pageant isn’t a beauty contest, it’s really a scholarship program. If that’s the case, why don’t we just put all the contestants on Jeopardy! and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one Picture Quote #1

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If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me Picture Quote #1

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day Picture Quote #1

Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet Picture Quote #1

They said these North Korean missiles had enough range to hit Seattle, but residents in Seattle were not worried. Today Bill Gates said Microsoft has enough missiles to destroy North Korea ten times over Picture Quote #1

Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate Picture Quote #1

At his wife’s 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors Picture Quote #1

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Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It’s going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand Picture Quote #1

The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that’s President Bush’s Father’s Day gift to his Dad Picture Quote #1

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can’t decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can’t figure out which one is more embarrassing Picture Quote #1

The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code - they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do Picture Quote #1

Enron’s president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as karma. The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree’s entire life savings Picture Quote #1

The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden’s sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That’s going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night Picture Quote #1

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Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom! Picture Quote #1

Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful Picture Quote #1

According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t Picture Quote #1

But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn’t that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there’s less banks. B, the banks don’t have any money left. And C, nobody’s got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down! Picture Quote #1

When they said Make love, not war at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other Picture Quote #1

The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that’s when the party ends Picture Quote #1

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The difference between Men and Women is that Men love The 3 Stooges, and Women think they’re assholes Picture Quote #1

At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme Picture Quote #1

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. Pollution? It’s those damn trees Picture Quote #1

President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing Picture Quote #1

The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News Picture Quote #1

Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Authorities in New York City have foiled a plot by terrorists to blow up the Holland Tunnel. There was one awkward moment when officials informed President Bush the Holland Tunnel was safe. Bush then thanked the Dutch authorities for all their help. (Jay Leno Quotes) Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party? (Jay Leno Quotes) The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can’t afford to stay in hotels anymore. (Jay Leno Quotes) The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump. (Jay Leno Quotes) There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it’s the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up. (Jay Leno Quotes) They always say the Miss America Pageant isn’t a beauty contest, it’s really a scholarship program. If that’s the case, why don’t we just put all the contestants on Jeopardy! and pick Miss America that way? At least you get the smartest one. (Jay Leno Quotes) If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me (Jay Leno Quotes) Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day. (Jay Leno Quotes) Big news on CNN, a search has uncovered illegal biochemical agents, toxins and other dangerous substances. Not in Iraq, in Rush Limbaugh’s medicine cabinet. (Jay Leno Quotes) They said these North Korean missiles had enough range to hit Seattle, but residents in Seattle were not worried. Today Bill Gates said Microsoft has enough missiles to destroy North Korea ten times over. (Jay Leno Quotes) Donald Trump says that he will not run for president. You know why? He can’t find his birth certificate. (Jay Leno Quotes) At his wife’s 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors (Jay Leno Quotes) Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It’s going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand. (Jay Leno Quotes) The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that’s President Bush’s Father’s Day gift to his Dad. (Jay Leno Quotes) Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can’t decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can’t figure out which one is more embarrassing. (Jay Leno Quotes) The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code - they don’t like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do. (Jay Leno Quotes) Enron’s president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as karma. The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree’s entire life savings. (Jay Leno Quotes) The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden’s sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That’s going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night. (Jay Leno Quotes) Whitney Houston rear-ended a city bus with her sports car, but no one was hurt. She said she didn’t know what happened. One minute she was concentrating on the big white line, and the next, boom! (Jay Leno Quotes) Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, ‘If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan.’ The scammers will tell you that, so you have to be careful. (Jay Leno Quotes) According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn’t. (Jay Leno Quotes) But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn’t that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there’s less banks. B, the banks don’t have any money left. And C, nobody’s got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down! (Jay Leno Quotes) When they said Make love, not war at Woodstock, they never imagined that one would become as dangerous as the other. (Jay Leno Quotes) The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that’s when the party ends (Jay Leno Quotes) The difference between Men and Women is that Men love The 3 Stooges, and Women think they’re assholes. (Jay Leno Quotes) At Ken Lay’s funeral service the minister compared him to Dr. Martin Luther King, Junior. The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme. (Jay Leno Quotes) The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. Pollution? It’s those damn trees. (Jay Leno Quotes) President Obama told a group of school children that broccoli was his favorite food, and they believed him. Then he told them Obamacare would reduce the deficit and the kids all busted out laughing. (Jay Leno Quotes) The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. We have 1,000 warheads aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest aimed at Fox News. (Jay Leno Quotes) Republican presidential hopeful Mike Hucka-BS is attacking actress Natalie Portman for getting pregnant without being married. It could get a little awkward if he runs into Sarah and Bristol Palin at Fox News. (Jay Leno Quotes)

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