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Jay Leno Quotes

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin Picture Quote #1

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars Picture Quote #1

Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We’re the ones getting robbed Picture Quote #1

Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That’s a comforting thought the next time you’re getting ready to get on the roller coaster! Picture Quote #1

9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control! Picture Quote #1

They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil Picture Quote #1

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With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion Picture Quote #1

As you know, today was Don’t Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol’ days Picture Quote #1

Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie? Picture Quote #1

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House Picture Quote #1

According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren’t enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren’t there are needed to spend money we don’t have to create jobs that don’t exist Picture Quote #1

With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000 Picture Quote #1

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U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they’re having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here’s what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion Picture Quote #1

Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he’s going, why bother? Picture Quote #1

Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He’s in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all-beef dinners? Why don’t they get some snow for him to shovel while he’s out there, too? Picture Quote #1

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don’t you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut Picture Quote #1

An Israeli man’s life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man’s heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can’t stop throwing rocks at himself Picture Quote #1

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day Picture Quote #1

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The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, DC. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin Picture Quote #1

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal Picture Quote #1

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward Picture Quote #1

You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs Picture Quote #1

I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark Picture Quote #1

They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it’s not the bun? Picture Quote #1

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Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke Picture Quote #1

If any job should give you a company car, it’s the car bomb business Picture Quote #1

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they’re good at it Picture Quote #1

If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough Picture Quote #1

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns Picture Quote #1

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. (Jay Leno Quotes) According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars. (Jay Leno Quotes) Gas stations are considering hiring security guards. Why are they getting security guards? We’re the ones getting robbed. (Jay Leno Quotes) Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That’s a comforting thought the next time you’re getting ready to get on the roller coaster! (Jay Leno Quotes) 9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control! (Jay Leno Quotes) They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil. (Jay Leno Quotes) With high definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion. (Jay Leno Quotes) As you know, today was Don’t Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation they had a Day Without Immigrants, is what they call it. Or, as Native Americans call it, the good ol’ days. (Jay Leno Quotes) Remember the good old days when the only bomb you had to worry about on a plane was the Rob Schneider movie? (Jay Leno Quotes) Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House. (Jay Leno Quotes) According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren’t enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren’t there are needed to spend money we don’t have to create jobs that don’t exist. (Jay Leno Quotes) With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000. (Jay Leno Quotes) U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they’re having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here’s what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion. (Jay Leno Quotes) Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he’s going, why bother?. (Jay Leno Quotes) Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He’s in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all-beef dinners? Why don’t they get some snow for him to shovel while he’s out there, too? (Jay Leno Quotes) British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don’t you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut. (Jay Leno Quotes) An Israeli man’s life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man’s heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can’t stop throwing rocks at himself. (Jay Leno Quotes) Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day (Jay Leno Quotes) The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, DC. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin (Jay Leno Quotes) Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal (Jay Leno Quotes) For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward (Jay Leno Quotes) You know who must be very secure in their masculinity? Male ladybugs (Jay Leno Quotes) I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark (Jay Leno Quotes) They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it’s not the bun? (Jay Leno Quotes) Geraldo has returned to the states. See? I told you airline security was a joke (Jay Leno Quotes) If any job should give you a company car, it’s the car bomb business (Jay Leno Quotes) Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they’re good at it (Jay Leno Quotes) If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough (Jay Leno Quotes) Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns (Jay Leno Quotes) Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate (Jay Leno Quotes)

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