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Joan Rivers Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
Love Quotes
Life Quotes
Funny Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Quotes
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Text Quotes
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible (Joan Rivers Quotes)
It’s been so long since I made love I can’t even remember who gets tied up (Joan Rivers Quotes)
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name (Joan Rivers Quotes)
The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery (Joan Rivers Quotes)
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off (Joan Rivers Quotes)
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it (Joan Rivers Quotes)
You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police (Joan Rivers Quotes)
We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us (Joan Rivers Quotes)
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again (Joan Rivers Quotes)
You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work (Joan Rivers Quotes)
Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own (Joan Rivers Quotes)
You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it (Joan Rivers Quotes)
I’m sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn’t (Joan Rivers Quotes)
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade (Joan Rivers Quotes)
You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary (Joan Rivers Quotes)
Anyone that says looks don’t count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It’s the way humans work (Joan Rivers Quotes)
I’ve learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I’ve ever done (Joan Rivers Quotes)
Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake? (Joan Rivers Quotes)
I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked (Joan Rivers Quotes)
You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw (Joan Rivers Quotes)
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean (Joan Rivers Quotes)
There’s always an adjective before my name, and it’s never a nice one (Joan Rivers Quotes)
Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card (Joan Rivers Quotes)
You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money (Joan Rivers Quotes)
I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid (Joan Rivers Quotes)
Dogs are easier to love than people; they’re certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that’s it. A true friend in life is a dog (Joan Rivers Quotes)
If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others (Joan Rivers Quotes)
Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything (Joan Rivers Quotes)
I could stop and live carefully but that’s ridiculous. I don’t want to live carefully (Joan Rivers Quotes)
That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around (Joan Rivers Quotes)