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George Carlin Quotes

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that’s what I’m trying to do Picture Quote #1

No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open Picture Quote #1

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it’s my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes Picture Quote #1

Your dog thinks you’re a God. Your cat thinks the dog’s an asshole Picture Quote #1

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell Picture Quote #1

If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem Picture Quote #1

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And now gay people want to get married... Haven’t they suffered enough? Picture Quote #1

All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English Picture Quote #1

George Carlin is an influence on a generation. He made me want to do comedy Picture Quote #1

Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer Picture Quote #1

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going Picture Quote #1

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that Picture Quote #1

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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit Picture Quote #1

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work Picture Quote #1

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? Picture Quote #1

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Picture Quote #1

I have as much authority as the pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it Picture Quote #1

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I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam Picture Quote #1

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did Picture Quote #1

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think Picture Quote #1

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live Picture Quote #1

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy Picture Quote #1

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong Picture Quote #1

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Oh beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, for strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, and hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea Picture Quote #1

I use the word fat. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! Picture Quote #1

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him Picture Quote #1

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down Picture Quote #1

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain Picture Quote #1

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

George Carlin is kind of my template now because George Carlin before was straight laced regular comic and he had short hair, a tie, suit, nightclub guy. Then he said screw it, let his hair grow, just started telling what he thought was the truth. So that’s what I’m trying to do (George Carlin Quotes) No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open (George Carlin Quotes) The first obligation I have is to be funny; it’s my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes. (George Carlin Quotes) Your dog thinks you’re a God. Your cat thinks the dog’s an asshole. (George Carlin Quotes) Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell (George Carlin Quotes) If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem (George Carlin Quotes) And now gay people want to get married... Haven’t they suffered enough? (George Carlin Quotes) All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English (George Carlin Quotes) George Carlin is an influence on a generation. He made me want to do comedy. (George Carlin Quotes) Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. (George Carlin Quotes) The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going (George Carlin Quotes) Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that (George Carlin Quotes) Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit (George Carlin Quotes) I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work (George Carlin Quotes) Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? (George Carlin Quotes) Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? (George Carlin Quotes) "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? (George Carlin Quotes) I have as much authority as the pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it (George Carlin Quotes) I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam (George Carlin Quotes) Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did (George Carlin Quotes) People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think (George Carlin Quotes) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live (George Carlin Quotes) Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy (George Carlin Quotes) Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong (George Carlin Quotes) Oh beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, for strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, and hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea (George Carlin Quotes) I use the word fat. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! (George Carlin Quotes) I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him (George Carlin Quotes) Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down (George Carlin Quotes) Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain (George Carlin Quotes) A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt (George Carlin Quotes)

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