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George Carlin Quotes

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? Picture Quote #1

I have as much authority as the pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it Picture Quote #1

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories Picture Quote #1

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam Picture Quote #1

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,

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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood Picture Quote #1

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it Picture Quote #1

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... It'll be much harder to detect Picture Quote #1

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did Picture Quote #1

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think Picture Quote #1

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another Picture Quote #1

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live Picture Quote #1

When someone is impatient and says,

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat Picture Quote #1

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy Picture Quote #1

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately Picture Quote #1

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong Picture Quote #1

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When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Picture Quote #1

Oh beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, for strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, and hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea Picture Quote #1

I use the word fat. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! Picture Quote #1

If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Picture Quote #1

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him Picture Quote #1

We're having something a little different this year for thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing Picture Quote #1

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Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down Picture Quote #1

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain Picture Quote #1

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big Picture Quote #1

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it Picture Quote #1

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt Picture Quote #1

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? (George Carlin Quotes) "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? (George Carlin Quotes) I have as much authority as the pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it (George Carlin Quotes) I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories (George Carlin Quotes) I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam (George Carlin Quotes) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose (George Carlin Quotes) I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood (George Carlin Quotes) I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it (George Carlin Quotes) I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... It'll be much harder to detect (George Carlin Quotes) Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did (George Carlin Quotes) People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think (George Carlin Quotes) Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another (George Carlin Quotes) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live (George Carlin Quotes) When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day? (George Carlin Quotes) When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat (George Carlin Quotes) Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy (George Carlin Quotes) I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately (George Carlin Quotes) Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong (George Carlin Quotes) When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? (George Carlin Quotes) Oh beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, for strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, and hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea (George Carlin Quotes) I use the word fat. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight. There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat! (George Carlin Quotes) If black boxes survive air crashes, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? (George Carlin Quotes) I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him (George Carlin Quotes) We're having something a little different this year for thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing (George Carlin Quotes) Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down (George Carlin Quotes) Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain (George Carlin Quotes) Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big (George Carlin Quotes) Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it (George Carlin Quotes) A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt (George Carlin Quotes) We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket (George Carlin Quotes)

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