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Demetri Martin Quotes

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, ‘Got it!’ And then I run away Picture Quote #1

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot Picture Quote #1

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs Picture Quote #1

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive Picture Quote #1

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate? Picture Quote #1

My friend named his car. And I don’t want to be judgemental, but... what a dork Picture Quote #1

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My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered Picture Quote #1

My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer Picture Quote #1

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half Picture Quote #1

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic Picture Quote #1

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right Picture Quote #1

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it Picture Quote #1

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Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate Picture Quote #1

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like hey, there’s an asshole Picture Quote #1

I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process Picture Quote #1

I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that Picture Quote #1

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake Picture Quote #1

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus Picture Quote #1

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Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up Picture Quote #1

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes Picture Quote #1

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It’s essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie Picture Quote #1

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’ Picture Quote #1

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths Picture Quote #1

Never forget where you came from. That’s what I think when I walk into a cave Picture Quote #1

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I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It’s so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I’m like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I’m like the cake streak is over Picture Quote #1

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying Picture Quote #1

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it? Picture Quote #1

It turns out dentists don’t like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear Picture Quote #1

I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major Picture Quote #1

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation? Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, ‘Got it!’ And then I run away. (Demetri Martin Quotes) If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. (Demetri Martin Quotes) A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate? (Demetri Martin Quotes) My friend named his car. And I don’t want to be judgemental, but... what a dork. (Demetri Martin Quotes) My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered. (Demetri Martin Quotes) My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I’m calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half. (Demetri Martin Quotes) A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic (Demetri Martin Quotes) Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it. (Demetri Martin Quotes) Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate. (Demetri Martin Quotes) One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you’re in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you’re not it does just the opposite. It’s like hey, there’s an asshole. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I’m a body builder, but I don’t use weights. I use snacks. It’s kind of a different building process. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. (Demetri Martin Quotes) Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. (Demetri Martin Quotes) Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up. (Demetri Martin Quotes) Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. (Demetri Martin Quotes) Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It’s essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’ (Demetri Martin Quotes) Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths. (Demetri Martin Quotes) Never forget where you came from. That’s what I think when I walk into a cave. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It’s so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I’m like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I’m like the cake streak is over... (Demetri Martin Quotes) I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they’re saying (Demetri Martin Quotes) The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it? (Demetri Martin Quotes) It turns out dentists don’t like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear. (Demetri Martin Quotes) I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. (Demetri Martin Quotes) Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation? (Demetri Martin Quotes)

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