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Bill Maher Quotes
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Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don’t think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage? (Bill Maher Quotes)
The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the ‘will of the people’ goes out the window. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: ‘Are you better off than you were four wives ago?’ (Bill Maher Quotes)
Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks. (Bill Maher Quotes)
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad`s room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the gun accidentally goes off and kills his friend. Only in America is the villain in this commercial not guns or bad parenting, but pot. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common - they’re both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Because of the Republicans, I’m not ashamed of being an American. I’m embarrassed! (Bill Maher Quotes)
People sometimes say how standup is so hard, and I always tell them that it’s hard at the beginning. (Bill Maher Quotes)
I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author (Bill Maher Quotes)
If conservatives don’t want to be seen as bitter people who cling to their guns and religion and anti-immigrant sentiments, they should stop being bitter and clinging to their guns, religion and anti-immigrant sentiments. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don’t have all the answers to think that they do. (Bill Maher Quotes)
I don’t want my president to be a TV star. You don’t have to be on television every minute of every day - you’re the president, not a rerun of ‘Law and Order’. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed. (Bill Maher Quotes)
I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says. (Bill Maher Quotes)
If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you’d resign in protest. (Bill Maher Quotes)
My father said, Bring along your best girl. This is something you say to a pimp! (Bill Maher Quotes)
I believe only foreigners should run for president...Face it, the presidency is a lousy job. And who does lousy jobs we don’t want anymore better than foreigners? (Bill Maher Quotes)
It’s very well known that the Republicans have problems with minorities. The Democrats have big problems with white people. Obama only got 39% of the vote. He only got 36% of the working-class white people. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids. (Bill Maher Quotes)
New Rule: The rest of the world can go back to being completely jealous of America. Our majority white country just freely elected a black president, something no other democracy has ever done. Take that Canada! Where’s your nubian warrior president? Your head of state is a boring white dude named Steven Harper, and mine is a kick-ass black ninja named Barack Hussein Obama! (Bill Maher Quotes)
People say I’m into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I’m just into women who are real, and they happen to be black. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Why can’t God just defeat the devil and get rid of evil? It’s the same reason the comic book character can’t get rid of his nemesis; then there’s no story. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Life is not like a box of chocolates unless there’s a few turds in the box (Bill Maher Quotes)
You talk about ‘Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.’ Maybe your brain needs a little washing. (Bill Maher Quotes)
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. (Bill Maher Quotes)
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy! (Bill Maher Quotes)
I’m staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers. (Bill Maher Quotes)
Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card. (Bill Maher Quotes)