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Bill Maher Quotes

A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! Picture Quote #1

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what’s that smell? Picture Quote #1

I’m not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic Picture Quote #1

And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn’t they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with? Picture Quote #1

I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is Picture Quote #1

There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy Picture Quote #1

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Face the fact that there’s only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half Picture Quote #1

Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired Picture Quote #1

First they didn’t believe in evolution. Then they didn’t believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call ‘the moron trifecta.’ Picture Quote #1

You’d know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you’d go down to Walgreen’s and buy a pack of blunts Picture Quote #1

What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically Picture Quote #1

Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, ‘What’s a plan?’ Picture Quote #1

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The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I’m on the corner with doubt Picture Quote #1

Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, ‘White people’s problems.’ Picture Quote #1

Do you want to know why marijuana is illegal? Because the drug companies want marijuana to be illegal. You see, if it came down to Prozak versus Marijuana, Prozak would lose Picture Quote #1

When you hear a lobby called Partnership for a Drug-Free America, just remember - they do not want a drug free America. They want an America free of drugs that are their competitors Picture Quote #1

Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! Picture Quote #1

If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you’re a dumb-ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you’re a Republican Picture Quote #1

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The teachers don’t know anything. What are the kids going to learn with a horrible education system? Picture Quote #1

I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy Picture Quote #1

The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people Picture Quote #1

When did the business community in America become so sensitive? ... that we have to treat like some type of rare exotic animal - don’t startle them or they’ll fly away!...we need to soothe them so they can nest here and lay their magic eggs full of jobs! - WHICH NEVER HATCH BY THE WAY!!! Picture Quote #1

Why are we working so hard to preserve Iraq, a fake country to begin with? Why do we care whether this fake country that was drawn on the map 100 years ago remains? Picture Quote #1

Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe - if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different - so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four? Picture Quote #1

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Even when [Federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke said the recession was over ... you think that would have been a bigger boom somewhere, but it seems we just take everything in stride Picture Quote #1

New rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that’s one of those services that goes along with paying in. I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain Picture Quote #1

New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘John Kerry hates our troops’ Picture Quote #1

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists Picture Quote #1

Newt Gingrich...is absolutely for bombing Iran and for lowering gas prices. And I’ve just to say, you can’t be for both. They are diametrically opposed Picture Quote #1

I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! (Bill Maher Quotes) Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what’s that smell? (Bill Maher Quotes) I’m not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic. (Bill Maher Quotes) And to answer the question that people have about this conspiracy theory that he has a pack in his back, my answer is, if someone was feeding him answers, couldn’t they be able to feed him better ones than he came up with? (Bill Maher Quotes) I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is (Bill Maher Quotes) There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they’re crazy (Bill Maher Quotes) Face the fact that there’s only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half. (Bill Maher Quotes) Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired. (Bill Maher Quotes) First they didn’t believe in evolution. Then they didn’t believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call ‘the moron trifecta.’ (Bill Maher Quotes) You’d know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you’d go down to Walgreen’s and buy a pack of blunts. (Bill Maher Quotes) What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically. (Bill Maher Quotes) Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, ‘What’s a plan?’ (Bill Maher Quotes) The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I’m on the corner with doubt. (Bill Maher Quotes) Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, ‘White people’s problems.’ (Bill Maher Quotes) Do you want to know why marijuana is illegal? Because the drug companies want marijuana to be illegal. You see, if it came down to Prozak versus Marijuana, Prozak would lose. (Bill Maher Quotes) When you hear a lobby called Partnership for a Drug-Free America, just remember - they do not want a drug free America. They want an America free of drugs that are their competitors. (Bill Maher Quotes) Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! (Bill Maher Quotes) If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you’re a dumb-ass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you’re a Republican. (Bill Maher Quotes) The teachers don’t know anything. What are the kids going to learn with a horrible education system? (Bill Maher Quotes) I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy. (Bill Maher Quotes) The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people (Bill Maher Quotes) When did the business community in America become so sensitive? ... that we have to treat like some type of rare exotic animal - don’t startle them or they’ll fly away!...we need to soothe them so they can nest here and lay their magic eggs full of jobs! - WHICH NEVER HATCH BY THE WAY!!!... (Bill Maher Quotes) Why are we working so hard to preserve Iraq, a fake country to begin with? Why do we care whether this fake country that was drawn on the map 100 years ago remains? (Bill Maher Quotes) Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe - if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different - so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four? (Bill Maher Quotes) Even when [Federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke said the recession was over ... you think that would have been a bigger boom somewhere, but it seems we just take everything in stride. (Bill Maher Quotes) New rule: If churches don’t have to pay taxes, they also can’t call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that’s one of those services that goes along with paying in. I’ll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain. (Bill Maher Quotes) New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘John Kerry hates our troops’. (Bill Maher Quotes) We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists. (Bill Maher Quotes) Newt Gingrich...is absolutely for bombing Iran and for lowering gas prices. And I’ve just to say, you can’t be for both. They are diametrically opposed. (Bill Maher Quotes) I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It’s a place they know they can get away with it. (Bill Maher Quotes)

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