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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

You don't need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely
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Be yourself; everyone else is already taken
Money may not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a Lamborghini
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A year from now you'll wish you started today
I meant to behave but there were too many other options
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Dogs teach us a lot of things but none more important than to love unconditionally
I told you I'll be ready in FIVE minutes, stop calling me every half hour
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What a beautiful world it would be if people had hearts like dogs
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Text Quotes
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I saw this wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Well, that’s a ‘fresher’. I’m going on break  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I want to ride in a cold air balloon. This isn’t going anywhere!  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) The customer’s always right  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it’s dirty.  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I find that a duck’s opinion of me is largely influence by whether or not I have bread  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Dogs are forever in the push up postion  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I remixed a remix, it was back to normal  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes) I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary  (Mitch Hedberg Quotes)
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