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Phyllis Diller Quotes

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing Picture Quote #1

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type Picture Quote #1

It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser Picture Quote #1

My father used to call me the laughing hyena Picture Quote #1

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do Picture Quote #1

I’m from such an old family, it’s been condemned Picture Quote #1

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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag Picture Quote #1

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing Picture Quote #1

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows Picture Quote #1

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls Picture Quote #1

If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough Picture Quote #1

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in Picture Quote #1

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Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed! Picture Quote #1

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it Picture Quote #1

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ Picture Quote #1

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? Picture Quote #1

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee Picture Quote #1

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are Picture Quote #1

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Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me Picture Quote #1

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can’t see it, touch it, only feel it. It’s called LOVE Picture Quote #1

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days’ trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days Picture Quote #1

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards Picture Quote #1

It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months Picture Quote #1

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate Picture Quote #1

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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet Picture Quote #1

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him Picture Quote #1

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won’t know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age Picture Quote #1

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn’t afford one Picture Quote #1

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid! Picture Quote #1

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing (Phyllis Diller Quotes) You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type (Phyllis Diller Quotes) It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser (Phyllis Diller Quotes) My father used to call me the laughing hyena (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I’m from such an old family, it’s been condemned (Phyllis Diller Quotes) You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing (Phyllis Diller Quotes) The only parts left of my original body are my elbows (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls (Phyllis Diller Quotes) If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough (Phyllis Diller Quotes) When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed! (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’ (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? (Phyllis Diller Quotes) My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee (Phyllis Diller Quotes) A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can’t see it, touch it, only feel it. It’s called LOVE (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days’ trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards (Phyllis Diller Quotes) It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet (Phyllis Diller Quotes) This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him (Phyllis Diller Quotes) [On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won’t know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn’t afford one (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid! (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards (Phyllis Diller Quotes)

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