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Jarod Kintz Quotes

Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe caught in the door and Mrs. Hoffstead started singing Yes We Have No Bananas Today in the hall so loud the police were called in from Equador Picture Quote #1

I always wear roller skates when I ride my bicycle. The more wheels the better, and that’s what makes me a better lover. You know you want to go for a spin. I’ll bring the record player, if you bring 1982 and her little sister, Elton John Picture Quote #1

Love is a rainbow of emotion. My favorite part is the pot of gold and the Irish midget Picture Quote #1

Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids Picture Quote #1

I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book Picture Quote #1

If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes, we could boost productivity, profitability, and employment. Think like a politician Picture Quote #1

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True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty Picture Quote #1

She called it a slap, but I called it a high-five to my face. Love is so encouraging! Picture Quote #1

She had eyes like sunsets, and every time she blinked it felt like the end of the world, otherwise known as night Picture Quote #1

I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute Picture Quote #1

Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales Picture Quote #1

I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink Picture Quote #1

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I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses Picture Quote #1

If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others’ solitude, I’d have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, Yes, I agree! Picture Quote #1

When I go off the grid, my main source of light will be fireflies. Oh, and the glow that will come from the epic love poem I am writing for you Picture Quote #1

We made love like the three minutes between 3:32 and 3:34. My endurance is even worse than my math Picture Quote #1

Every second is a moment before the unknown. Only the now is known. Life is a continuous known unknown Picture Quote #1

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence Picture Quote #1

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My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present Picture Quote #1

I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife Picture Quote #1

I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn Picture Quote #1

Your pants are unseasonably bitch. I beg your pardon. Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my erection Picture Quote #1

I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for my nightly entertainment Picture Quote #1

Your deceit smells like a fake mustache. Nobody stole my facial hair. I shaved this morning and donated half of it to the Humane Society. The other half I kept for sentimental petting reasons Picture Quote #1

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The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.) Picture Quote #1

With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich Picture Quote #1

The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall Picture Quote #1

At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly began falling apart Picture Quote #1

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish Picture Quote #1

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, Family Size, and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Last night I snuck an orchestra into the elevator at my apartment. We made elevator music history until Marvin got his oboe caught in the door and Mrs. Hoffstead started singing Yes We Have No Bananas Today in the hall so loud the police were called in from Equador. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) I always wear roller skates when I ride my bicycle. The more wheels the better, and that’s what makes me a better lover. You know you want to go for a spin. I’ll bring the record player, if you bring 1982 and her little sister, Elton John. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) Love is a rainbow of emotion. My favorite part is the pot of gold and the Irish midget. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) Love is the only wound that feels good and is both self-inflicted and caused by others. I should sell emotional Band-Aids. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) If everyone in America started mailing empty boxes, we could boost productivity, profitability, and employment. Think like a politician. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) True freedom is an empty cup, because it can be filled with anything. Freedom sounds great, until someone hands it to you, and then it just makes you thirsty. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) She called it a slap, but I called it a high-five to my face. Love is so encouraging! (Jarod Kintz Quotes) She had eyes like sunsets, and every time she blinked it felt like the end of the world, otherwise known as night. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) I need to condense my adrenaline, carbonate it, sweeten it, and sell it as an energy drink (Jarod Kintz Quotes) I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others’ solitude, I’d have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, Yes, I agree! (Jarod Kintz Quotes) When I go off the grid, my main source of light will be fireflies. Oh, and the glow that will come from the epic love poem I am writing for you. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) We made love like the three minutes between 3:32 and 3:34. My endurance is even worse than my math. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) Every second is a moment before the unknown. Only the now is known. Life is a continuous known unknown. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh well, at least I got to keep the unicorn. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) Your pants are unseasonably bitch. I beg your pardon. Excuse me, madam, but you are sitting on my erection. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) I should invent a stationary bike/electrical generator/phonograph player, so that when the grid goes down I will have motivation to exercise for my nightly entertainment. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) Your deceit smells like a fake mustache. Nobody stole my facial hair. I shaved this morning and donated half of it to the Humane Society. The other half I kept for sentimental petting reasons. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fair share was three. (2.5 rounded off is 3.) (Jarod Kintz Quotes) With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall (Jarod Kintz Quotes) At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly began falling apart. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish. (Jarod Kintz Quotes) I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, Family Size, and I thought, That’s odd, I didn’t know too many families showered together. (Jarod Kintz Quotes)

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