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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I’m happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant Picture Quote #1

Valentine’s Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy Picture Quote #1

Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player Picture Quote #1

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights Picture Quote #1

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend Picture Quote #1

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death Picture Quote #1

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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her Picture Quote #1

I’ve got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves Picture Quote #1

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything Picture Quote #1

It’s always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it’s really tough when they’re on top of you Picture Quote #1

Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children’s burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces Picture Quote #1

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number Picture Quote #1

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My favorite sport is football. I’m a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd Picture Quote #1

Father’s Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time Picture Quote #1

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year Picture Quote #1

I don’t think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don’t embrace them Picture Quote #1

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I’ve met her neighbor, he’s a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though Picture Quote #1

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn’t publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn’t about to tell the people who work for me that they didn’t have jobs anymore because I wasn’t going to delete a stupid tweet Picture Quote #1

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Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn’t happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player Picture Quote #1

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it Picture Quote #1

Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they’re dead quiet, it’s still okay. If they start talking, that’s when you’ve lost them Picture Quote #1

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it Picture Quote #1

I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler Picture Quote #1

I think some people just don’t know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn’t know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same Picture Quote #1

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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that’s what drew me to them in the first place Picture Quote #1

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can’t think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason Picture Quote #1

With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference Picture Quote #1

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking Picture Quote #1

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox Picture Quote #1

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, ‘I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better.’ Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I’m happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Valentine’s Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn’t want to talk about, like death (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I’ve got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) It’s always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it’s really tough when they’re on top of you. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children’s burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little faces. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My favorite sport is football. I’m a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Father’s Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I don’t think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don’t embrace them. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I’ve met her neighbor, he’s a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though... (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn’t publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn’t about to tell the people who work for me that they didn’t have jobs anymore because I wasn’t going to delete a stupid tweet. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn’t happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they’re dead quiet, it’s still okay. If they start talking, that’s when you’ve lost them (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I think some people just don’t know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn’t know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that’s what drew me to them in the first place (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can’t think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, ‘I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better.’ (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes)

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