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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it Picture Quote #1

I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do Picture Quote #1

In a late-night monologue, it’s not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability Picture Quote #1

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn’t be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn’t upset people, really Picture Quote #1

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it’s over. I’m happy that we’re friends Picture Quote #1

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they’re looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately Picture Quote #1

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I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone Picture Quote #1

I can’t talk politics with my cousin because he’s such a hypocrite. He’s against the death penalty and he hanged himself Picture Quote #1

I like to read, but otherwise I’m just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It’s pretty much all I think about Picture Quote #1

An offended audience member repeating a comedian’s act from memory is worse than, literally, anything Picture Quote #1

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it Picture Quote #1

I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know - I’m so bad with names Picture Quote #1

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I’m inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry Picture Quote #1

The world is full of horrible things Picture Quote #1

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it Picture Quote #1

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally Picture Quote #1

Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I’m always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works Picture Quote #1

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend Picture Quote #1

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My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend Picture Quote #1

I’ve got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves Picture Quote #1

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby Picture Quote #1

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine Picture Quote #1

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look Picture Quote #1

When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle Picture Quote #1

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I was a terrible employee. I’ve been fired from almost every job I’ve ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I’d be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor Picture Quote #1

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem Picture Quote #1

Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things don’t happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release Picture Quote #1

I’m not a comedy writer, I’m a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say Picture Quote #1

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I’ve met her neighbor, he’s a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though Picture Quote #1

There is nothing that’s off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that’s my job Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there’s a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) In a late-night monologue, it’s not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn’t be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn’t upset people, really (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it’s over. I’m happy that we’re friends (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they’re looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I can’t talk politics with my cousin because he’s such a hypocrite. He’s against the death penalty and he hanged himself. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I like to read, but otherwise I’m just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It’s pretty much all I think about. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) An offended audience member repeating a comedian’s act from memory is worse than, literally, anything. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know - I’m so bad with names. (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I’m inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) The world is full of horrible things (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I’m always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I’ve got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I was a terrible employee. I’ve been fired from almost every job I’ve ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I’d be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things don’t happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I’m not a comedy writer, I’m a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I’ve met her neighbor, he’s a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes) There is nothing that’s off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that’s my job (Anthony Jeselnik Quotes)

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