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Phyllis Diller Quotes

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide Picture Quote #1

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don’t particularly like Picture Quote #1

I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade! Picture Quote #1

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can’t come home for lunch Picture Quote #1

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody Picture Quote #1

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto Picture Quote #1

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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality Picture Quote #1

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed Picture Quote #1

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake - even when it’s hot and being spilled on him Picture Quote #1

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them Picture Quote #1

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood Picture Quote #1

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo Picture Quote #1

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If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm Picture Quote #1

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual Picture Quote #1

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce Picture Quote #1

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day Picture Quote #1

I’d love to slit my mother-in-law’s corsets and watch her spread to death Picture Quote #1

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn’t have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother Picture Quote #1

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It’s a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on Picture Quote #1

In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane Picture Quote #1

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron Picture Quote #1

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up Picture Quote #1

Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it Picture Quote #1

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl Picture Quote #1

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I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed Picture Quote #1

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven’t been back since the night I tried on all my wigs Picture Quote #1

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning Picture Quote #1

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you Picture Quote #1

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge Picture Quote #1

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don’t particularly like (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade! (Phyllis Diller Quotes) When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can’t come home for lunch. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake - even when it’s hot and being spilled on him. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm (Phyllis Diller Quotes) My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce (Phyllis Diller Quotes) What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I’d love to slit my mother-in-law’s corsets and watch her spread to death (Phyllis Diller Quotes) On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn’t have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) It’s a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on (Phyllis Diller Quotes) In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron (Phyllis Diller Quotes) We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven’t been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you. (Phyllis Diller Quotes) It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge (Phyllis Diller Quotes) My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit (Phyllis Diller Quotes)

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