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Jim Gaffigan Quotes

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant Picture Quote #1

It’s like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That’s how my background influenced my comedy Picture Quote #1

In Indiana, I wasn’t anything special. But in New York, I’ve gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I’m exotic! Picture Quote #1

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It’s pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby Picture Quote #1

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife’s Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights Picture Quote #1

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover Picture Quote #1

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When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I’m 43, balding, blond, whatever - there’s something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it’s eight people from Sweden who don’t understand what I’m talking about Picture Quote #1

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ‘successful Picture Quote #1

Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German? Picture Quote #1

It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass Picture Quote #1

Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’ Picture Quote #1

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? Heroin Picture Quote #1

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I’m not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish ‘cause that’s disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! ‘Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!’ Picture Quote #1

Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’ Picture Quote #1

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia Picture Quote #1

Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides Picture Quote #1

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they’re like museums full of good food. It’s fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they’re going to cut up your baked potato Picture Quote #1

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don’t like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There’s something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy Picture Quote #1

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I worked on ‘USA Today’ as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal Picture Quote #1

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It’s very personal, stylistically Picture Quote #1

I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I’m discussing, it’s not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written Picture Quote #1

I liked the idea that my character was not gonna be the typical dumb guy that I play, typically. I also loved the fact that it was dealing with kind of adult-extended adolescence, which I think is always interesting -- a bunch of people that don’t wanna grow up Picture Quote #1

It’s weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer and director. But acting is incredibly rewarding, working and interacting with people to create funny moments. I can’t imagine not doing acting or stand-up, I really enjoy both of them that much Picture Quote #1

For me, it’s always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, ‘You were wonderful last night. I didn’t want it to end. I can’t wait to see you again Picture Quote #1

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I’m kind of like a guy who’s missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I’m also a mama’s boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I’m kinda half guy’s guy Picture Quote #1

Don’t you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line? Picture Quote #1

I reached a point in my life where I didn’t really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I had children, and yet there was frustration Picture Quote #1

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I’m probably the opposite of a vegan Picture Quote #1

Now that I’m married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone Picture Quote #1

I’ve never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I’m glad I ate that. I’m always like, I’m gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) It’s like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That’s how my background influenced my comedy (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) In Indiana, I wasn’t anything special. But in New York, I’ve gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I’m exotic! (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It’s pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife’s Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I’m 43, balding, blond, whatever - there’s something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it’s eight people from Sweden who don’t understand what I’m talking about (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ‘successful (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German? (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’ (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? Heroin (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I’m not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish ‘cause that’s disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! ‘Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!’ (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’ (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they’re like museums full of good food. It’s fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they’re going to cut up your baked potato (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don’t like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There’s something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I worked on ‘USA Today’ as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It’s very personal, stylistically (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I curse in everyday life, but usually when I stub my toe. The topics I’m discussing, it’s not necessary to curse. I found [cursing] is a sign that a joke is not finished or well-written (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I liked the idea that my character was not gonna be the typical dumb guy that I play, typically. I also loved the fact that it was dealing with kind of adult-extended adolescence, which I think is always interesting -- a bunch of people that don’t wanna grow up (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) It’s weird, I love acting and stand-up is a very unique, solitary thing where you are the writer, performer and director. But acting is incredibly rewarding, working and interacting with people to create funny moments. I can’t imagine not doing acting or stand-up, I really enjoy both of them that much (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) For me, it’s always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, ‘You were wonderful last night. I didn’t want it to end. I can’t wait to see you again (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I’m kind of like a guy who’s missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I’m also a mama’s boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I’m kinda half guy’s guy (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) Don’t you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line? (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I reached a point in my life where I didn’t really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I had children, and yet there was frustration. (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I’m probably the opposite of a vegan. (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) Now that I’m married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone. (Jim Gaffigan Quotes) I’ve never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I’m glad I ate that. I’m always like, I’m gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts. (Jim Gaffigan Quotes)

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