|

|

Advertisements

Jack Handey Quotes

One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse Picture Quote #1

If you ever feel like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn’t that better? Picture Quote #1

It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars Picture Quote #1

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness Picture Quote #1

Let’s be honest: Isn’t a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves? Picture Quote #1

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don’t think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you Picture Quote #1

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake Picture Quote #1

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face Picture Quote #1

If I ever get rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now Picture Quote #1

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny Picture Quote #1

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it Picture Quote #1

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man Picture Quote #1

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started Picture Quote #1

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something Picture Quote #1

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now Picture Quote #1

If you’re a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful Picture Quote #1

1 2

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Advertisements

Text Quotes

One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse (Jack Handey Quotes) If you ever feel like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn’t that better? (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars (Jack Handey Quotes) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness (Jack Handey Quotes) Let’s be honest: Isn’t a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves? (Jack Handey Quotes) Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don’t think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass (Jack Handey Quotes) If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you (Jack Handey Quotes) One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake (Jack Handey Quotes) The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face (Jack Handey Quotes) If I ever get rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now (Jack Handey Quotes) Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny (Jack Handey Quotes) Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared (Jack Handey Quotes) With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it (Jack Handey Quotes) It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man (Jack Handey Quotes) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something (Jack Handey Quotes) Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith (Jack Handey Quotes) Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful (Jack Handey Quotes)

1 2