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Jack Handey Quotes

A year from now you'll wish you started today - Work Quotes
When we first met, i had no idea you would be so important to me - Love Quotes
The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary - Work Quotes
Money may not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a Lamborghini - Funny Quotes
Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is - Funny Quotes
Don't look back you're not going that way - Inspirational Quotes
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - Albert Einstein Quotes
What a beautiful world it would be if people had hearts like dogs - Dog Quotes
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Text Quotes
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you  (Jack Handey Quotes) A quiz: If I am my brother’s keeper, who am I? (Answer: me.)  (Jack Handey Quotes) Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.  (Jack Handey Quotes) I can picture in my mind a world without war  (Jack Handey Quotes) Not screaming in terror like his passengers  (Jack Handey Quotes) If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down  (Jack Handey Quotes) Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise  (Jack Handey Quotes) I’d rather be rich than stupid  (Jack Handey Quotes) The tiger can’t change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!  (Jack Handey Quotes) I think man invented the car by instinct  (Jack Handey Quotes) I wonder if angels believe in ghosts  (Jack Handey Quotes) I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves  (Jack Handey Quotes) You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea  (Jack Handey Quotes) If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is ‘God is crying’. And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is ‘Probably because of something you did’  (Jack Handey Quotes) Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Xmas  (Jack Handey Quotes) I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye  (Jack Handey Quotes) Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That’s called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot  (Jack Handey Quotes) Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?  (Jack Handey Quotes) When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear  (Jack Handey Quotes) If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flipper, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flipper, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone  (Jack Handey Quotes) Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it’s two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up  (Jack Handey Quotes) If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I’m a coward  (Jack Handey Quotes) If you get invited to your first orgy, don’t just show up nude. That’s a common mistake. You have to let nudity ‘happen.’  (Jack Handey Quotes) Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form ‘spokes.’ Happiness is when he stops  (Jack Handey Quotes) I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint  (Jack Handey Quotes) When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV  (Jack Handey Quotes) Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing  (Jack Handey Quotes) I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He’d get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn’t have the right answers, mister, you’d be peeling potatoes or chainging the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn’t in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!  (Jack Handey Quotes) Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers  (Jack Handey Quotes) As the light changed from red to greeen to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way  (Jack Handey Quotes)
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