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Dana Gould Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
Love Quotes
Life Quotes
Funny Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Quotes
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Text Quotes
Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you’re right. (Dana Gould Quotes)
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else. (Dana Gould Quotes)
I don’t mind being alone when I’m surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I’m alone. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent’s poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren’t you a scary health care reform bill! (Dana Gould Quotes)
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let’s not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice. (Dana Gould Quotes)
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense (Dana Gould Quotes)
Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It’s like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off. (Dana Gould Quotes)
I’m so weird with women. I couldn’t go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building’s on fire. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way, uh. I don’t mean to be weird and I’m not trying to be creepy, but the building’s on fire... (Dana Gould Quotes)
A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says. (Dana Gould Quotes)
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry? (Dana Gould Quotes)
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70’s, it’s kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there’s no shame in it. (Dana Gould Quotes)
New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex! (Dana Gould Quotes)
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it’s too late (Dana Gould Quotes)
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties. (Dana Gould Quotes)
When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I’d be their king. Time machine, where are you? (Dana Gould Quotes)
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can’t believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer’s is? It’s when you forget everything but your grudges. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don’t turn against all pedophiles (Dana Gould Quotes)
Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison (Dana Gould Quotes)
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off (Dana Gould Quotes)
The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it’s so full of dreams. Actually, it’s because his skull was shaped like a turkey. (Dana Gould Quotes)
There’s a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh (Dana Gould Quotes)
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten (Dana Gould Quotes)
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies. (Dana Gould Quotes)
A big blizzard proves there’s no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there’s no such thing as cows. (Dana Gould Quotes)
If there’s one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it’s suddenly remembering the reason. (Dana Gould Quotes)