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Dana Gould Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
Love Quotes
Life Quotes
Funny Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Quotes
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Text Quotes
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children’s beauty pageant. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen. (Dana Gould Quotes)
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Want to be happy? Don’t live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you. (Dana Gould Quotes)
It’s gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm! (Dana Gould Quotes)
I don’t want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad’s ball’s fault. (Dana Gould Quotes)
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I’m just a guy and instead of making meth I don’t do much. (Dana Gould Quotes)
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Every time I fold the baby’s clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack. (Dana Gould Quotes)
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas? (Dana Gould Quotes)
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper (Dana Gould Quotes)
The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole (Dana Gould Quotes)
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus. (Dana Gould Quotes)
My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn’t work on auto-pilot and it’s very difficult to have sex in. (Dana Gould Quotes)
A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife. (Dana Gould Quotes)
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I’m just being petty and cruel. (Dana Gould Quotes)
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president. (Dana Gould Quotes)
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans... (Dana Gould Quotes)
Because of Bluetooth headsets, it’s getting more and more difficult to tell who’s schizophrenic and who’s on a conference call. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding. (Dana Gould Quotes)
I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That’s me, always the bridesmaid... (Dana Gould Quotes)
To me 30 isn’t old. But it’s definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You’ll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That’s was an oldie from The Clash. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times. (Dana Gould Quotes)
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can’t decide if it’s good news or not? Hey you look... great? (Dana Gould Quotes)
It’s been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us? (Dana Gould Quotes)
Cowboy boots with a suit? You’re a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You’re in the rough, tough man business. (Dana Gould Quotes)