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Craig Ferguson Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
Love Quotes
Life Quotes
Funny Quotes
Motivational Quotes
Inspirational Quotes
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Text Quotes
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food’s in the oven. And I’m in the bedroom performin’ self lovin’ (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
People talk to old people like they’re children.’Oh you’re very old aren’t you?’ Yeah I’m old. I’m not stupid (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
That’s why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I’ve seen what happens when they get in cahoots (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn’t noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I’m not going to do anything. I’m going as Congress (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
I can’t wait to see the debate between Ryan and Joe Biden. Biden is said to be already trying out different strategies. So far the one that Obama likes is where Biden pretends to have food poisoning and they cancel the debate (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Insiders say Obama’s pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been ‘acting’ like he was born in Hawaii for a long time (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell said recently that Hollywood needs to re-evaluate what they’re doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extramarital affairs. And I thought, ‘Have fun in Congress then (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Democrats are calling Christine O’Donnell ‘the Sarah Palin of the East.’ Really? She’s a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That’s not Sarah Palin, that’s Joe Biden (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Betty White met with President Obama at the White House. President Obama invited Betty personally because she’s great with animals. And the president’s still having a tough time house-training Joe Biden (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
I’m a terrible interviewer. I’m not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I’m not really a late-night host. What I am is honest (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they’re smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Halloween’s eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That’s great, just what teenagers need -- another excuse to be jerks (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they’re going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa? (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
The ‘Star Wars’ movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they’re not Sony (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won’t be in rehab (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can’t just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That’s Russia’s job (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
The rain is giving much needed relief to California’s crops. By that I mean ‘marijuana.’ (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can’t-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He’s leaving (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Director Oliver Stone says he’s going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can’t believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well (Craig Ferguson Quotes)
Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they’re straight. It’s over! (Craig Ferguson Quotes)