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Jack Handey Quotes

If I had a mine shaft, I don’t think I would just abandon it. There’s got to be a better way Picture Quote #1

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system Picture Quote #1

When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil Picture Quote #1

When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes Picture Quote #1

I don’t understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? Picture Quote #1

You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling Picture Quote #1

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One day I saw a big kid beating up a little kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him a swift kick. He probably deserved it Picture Quote #1

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started Picture Quote #1

Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house! Picture Quote #1

I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they don’t know I’m using blanks Picture Quote #1

With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it Picture Quote #1

Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy Picture Quote #1

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I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn’t. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet Picture Quote #1

I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can’t seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it’s his parents. Then, some more pornography Picture Quote #1

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that’s the way of these people Picture Quote #1

It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing Picture Quote #1

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but when I told that story around the campfire, nobody got scared Picture Quote #1

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

If I had a mine shaft, I don’t think I would just abandon it. There’s got to be a better way (Jack Handey Quotes) I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system (Jack Handey Quotes) When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil (Jack Handey Quotes) When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can’t think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes (Jack Handey Quotes) I don’t understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know? (Jack Handey Quotes) You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling (Jack Handey Quotes) One day I saw a big kid beating up a little kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him a swift kick. He probably deserved it (Jack Handey Quotes) If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started (Jack Handey Quotes) Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud hut, people around the world all want the same thing: a better house! (Jack Handey Quotes) I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they don’t know I’m using blanks (Jack Handey Quotes) With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it (Jack Handey Quotes) Here’s a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don’t know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy (Jack Handey Quotes) I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn’t. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet (Jack Handey Quotes) I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can’t seem to act like an eagle. After a while, though, to keep the movie from getting boring, maybe put in some pornography. Later, we see the happy parrot flying along, acting like an eagle. He see two parrots below and starts to attack, but it’s his parents. Then, some more pornography (Jack Handey Quotes) The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that’s the way of these people (Jack Handey Quotes) It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man and an ever bigger man to ask why he is laughing (Jack Handey Quotes) Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but when I told that story around the campfire, nobody got scared (Jack Handey Quotes) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes (Jack Handey Quotes)

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