HOME POPULAR Love Life Inspiration Motivation Funny Friendship Family Faith Happy Hurt Sad Cute Success Wisdom ALL TOPICS Animals Art Attitude Beauty Business Birthdays Dreams Facts Fitness Food Forgiving Miss You Nature Peace Smile So True Sports Teenage Trust Movie TV Weddings More.. AUTHORS Einstein Plato Aristotle Twain Monroe Jefferson Wilde Carroll Confucius Hepburn Dalai Lama Lewis Lincoln Mandela Lao Tzu Ford More.. Meme Maker University Memes
Follow On Pinterest
University Student Quotes

Jack Handey Quotes

Money may not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a Lamborghini - Funny Quotes
I told you I'll be ready in FIVE minutes, stop calling me every half hour - Funny Quotes
Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is - Funny Quotes
A year from now you'll wish you started today - Work Quotes
University Student Quotes University Student Quotes
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Friendship Quotes Love Quotes Life Quotes Funny Quotes Motivational Quotes Inspirational Quotes
Text Quotes
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail  (Jack Handey Quotes) It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver  (Jack Handey Quotes) I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory  (Jack Handey Quotes) I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?  (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine  (Jack Handey Quotes) If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?!  (Jack Handey Quotes) There’s nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves  (Jack Handey Quotes) If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast  (Jack Handey Quotes) Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn’t kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger  (Jack Handey Quotes) If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they’re gone, man. They’re gone  (Jack Handey Quotes) Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling  (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them  (Jack Handey Quotes) To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad  (Jack Handey Quotes) I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals  (Jack Handey Quotes) Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see  (Jack Handey Quotes) I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain  (Jack Handey Quotes) I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they’d still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn’t eat as much  (Jack Handey Quotes) When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges  (Jack Handey Quotes) I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality  (Jack Handey Quotes) Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again  (Jack Handey Quotes) Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a dear  (Jack Handey Quotes) It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight  (Jack Handey Quotes) If I ever get rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now  (Jack Handey Quotes) Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny  (Jack Handey Quotes) One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse  (Jack Handey Quotes) I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They’re sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur  (Jack Handey Quotes) Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out  (Jack Handey Quotes) Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are  (Jack Handey Quotes) Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet  (Jack Handey Quotes) I had dreams once. Once I wanted to build the world’s longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it  (Jack Handey Quotes)
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8