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Jack Handey Quotes

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won’t matter that much Picture Quote #1

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other Picture Quote #1

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? Picture Quote #1

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared Picture Quote #1

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis Picture Quote #1

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man Picture Quote #1

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If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming Picture Quote #1

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex Picture Quote #1

I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have a beak to peck you with Picture Quote #1

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose Picture Quote #1

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that’s all I have to say Picture Quote #1

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening Picture Quote #1

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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face Picture Quote #1

Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have Picture Quote #1

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people Picture Quote #1

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail Picture Quote #1

It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver Picture Quote #1

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory Picture Quote #1

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I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? Picture Quote #1

If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine Picture Quote #1

If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?! Picture Quote #1

There’s nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves Picture Quote #1

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast Picture Quote #1

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they’re gone, man. They’re gone Picture Quote #1

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Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling Picture Quote #1

If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them Picture Quote #1

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad Picture Quote #1

I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals Picture Quote #1

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see Picture Quote #1

I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won’t matter that much (Jack Handey Quotes) To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other (Jack Handey Quotes) What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? (Jack Handey Quotes) Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared (Jack Handey Quotes) Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis (Jack Handey Quotes) It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man (Jack Handey Quotes) If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming (Jack Handey Quotes) I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex (Jack Handey Quotes) I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn’t have a beak to peck you with (Jack Handey Quotes) If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose (Jack Handey Quotes) If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that’s all I have to say (Jack Handey Quotes) People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening (Jack Handey Quotes) The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face (Jack Handey Quotes) Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have (Jack Handey Quotes) I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people (Jack Handey Quotes) Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail (Jack Handey Quotes) It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver (Jack Handey Quotes) I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory (Jack Handey Quotes) I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine (Jack Handey Quotes) If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?! (Jack Handey Quotes) There’s nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves (Jack Handey Quotes) If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast (Jack Handey Quotes) If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they’re gone, man. They’re gone (Jack Handey Quotes) Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them (Jack Handey Quotes) To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad (Jack Handey Quotes) I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals (Jack Handey Quotes) Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see (Jack Handey Quotes) I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain (Jack Handey Quotes)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8