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Funny Witty Quotes

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary
I told you I'll be ready in FIVE minutes, stop calling me every half hour
And then you meet one person and your life changes forever
Money may not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a Lamborghini
Don't look back you're not going that way
The darkest nights produce the brightest stars
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work
A girl doesn't need anyone who doesn't need her
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Well, I'm here. What's your next two wishes?  (Funny Witty Quotes) I really didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute  (Funny Witty Quotes) So... do you like music? No, no, I’m the one person on Earth who doesn’t like music  (Funny Witty Quotes) Funny thing. I just got back from the center of the universe... I didn't see you anywhere  (Funny Witty Quotes) I enjoy talking to you, my mind needs a rest  (Funny Witty Quotes) I'm not good at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?  (Funny Witty Quotes) If you don't want a sarcastic answer, then don't ask a stupid question!  (Funny Witty Quotes) Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic  (Funny Witty Quotes) Your secrets are safe with me. There's a good chance I wasn't listening  (Funny Witty Quotes) Oops my bad. I could have sworn I was dealing with an adult  (Funny Witty Quotes) All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would a queen  (Funny Witty Quotes) Bad things happen to good people because its funnier  (Funny Witty Quotes) Life is short. False. It's the longest thing you do  (Funny Witty Quotes) My wife and i were happy for 20 years. Then we met  (Funny Witty Quotes) If no one comes from the future to stop you doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?  (Funny Witty Quotes) Here's a tissue for your issue  (Funny Witty Quotes) Life is hard. It's harder if your stupid  (Funny Witty Quotes) I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I'm a drunk, we go to parties  (Funny Witty Quotes) I Child-Proofed My House But They Still Get In  (Funny Witty Quotes) I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her  (Funny Witty Quotes) Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?  (Funny Witty Quotes) The most exercise you get is running your mouth, jumping to conclusions, and pushing your luck  (Funny Witty Quotes) Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk  (Funny Witty Quotes) Better a witty fool than a foolish wit  (Funny Witty Quotes) Honey, tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic  (Funny Witty Quotes)