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Eugene Mirman Quotes

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny Picture Quote #1

Oh, Hello. I’m Eugene Mirman, and I’m here to introduce my special. It’s called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory Picture Quote #1

It’s important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it’s my job, right before I leave, to go, Don’t forget: You’re going through a divorce and there’s a recession. It’s always good to end on a pensive note Picture Quote #1

Let’s start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it’s actually simple Picture Quote #1

I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places Picture Quote #1

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It’s just deciding that you’re qualified because once you decide you’re qualified, everything else becomes very easy Picture Quote #1

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It’s weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn’t really feel like a party Picture Quote #1

I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It’s a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called ‘Let My People Go,’ based on the Jews’ exodus from Egypt. I was like, ‘Too soon Picture Quote #1

The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages Picture Quote #1

I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking Picture Quote #1

School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful Picture Quote #1

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it’s very easy to be like, yeah, that’s not really comedy Picture Quote #1

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For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It’s absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view Picture Quote #1

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was ‘talking dirty.’ Picture Quote #1

I don’t emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it’s truly a toss-away word Picture Quote #1

Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job Picture Quote #1

Let’s start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it’s actually simple Picture Quote #1

Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street Picture Quote #1

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I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places Picture Quote #1

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time Picture Quote #1

I don’t know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I’ve toured with a lot of comedians and it’s never been like it is for a rock band Picture Quote #1

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I’m sure now there’d be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball Picture Quote #1

I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit Picture Quote #1

I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking Picture Quote #1

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Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It’s just deciding that you’re qualified because once you decide you’re qualified, everything else becomes very easy Picture Quote #1

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it’s for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don’t know what it means to be lonely. But you’re wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it Picture Quote #1

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure Picture Quote #1

Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die Picture Quote #1

Oh, Hello. I’m Eugene Mirman, and I’m here to introduce my special. It’s called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory Picture Quote #1

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Oh, Hello. I’m Eugene Mirman, and I’m here to introduce my special. It’s called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory (Eugene Mirman Quotes) It’s important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it’s my job, right before I leave, to go, Don’t forget: You’re going through a divorce and there’s a recession. It’s always good to end on a pensive note. (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Let’s start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it’s actually simple. (Eugene Mirman Quotes) I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places. (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It’s just deciding that you’re qualified because once you decide you’re qualified, everything else becomes very easy. (Eugene Mirman Quotes) It’s weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn’t really feel like a party. (Eugene Mirman Quotes) I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It’s a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called ‘Let My People Go,’ based on the Jews’ exodus from Egypt. I was like, ‘Too soon. (Eugene Mirman Quotes) The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages. (Eugene Mirman Quotes) I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. (Eugene Mirman Quotes) School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other... but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful (Eugene Mirman Quotes) People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it’s very easy to be like, yeah, that’s not really comedy (Eugene Mirman Quotes) For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually, I was like, Oh no. It’s absolutely my job to convey to people why what I think is funny, is funny. The whole point of standup is to get the audience to understand your weird point of view (Eugene Mirman Quotes) In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was ‘talking dirty.’ (Eugene Mirman Quotes) I don’t emphasize the whatevs. I say it as if it’s truly a toss-away word (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Let’s start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it’s actually simple (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street (Eugene Mirman Quotes) I don’t think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places (Eugene Mirman Quotes) I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time (Eugene Mirman Quotes) I don’t know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I’ve toured with a lot of comedians and it’s never been like it is for a rock band (Eugene Mirman Quotes) The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I’m sure now there’d be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball (Eugene Mirman Quotes) I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit (Eugene Mirman Quotes) I don’t have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It’s just deciding that you’re qualified because once you decide you’re qualified, everything else becomes very easy (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it’s for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don’t know what it means to be lonely. But you’re wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it (Eugene Mirman Quotes) If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die (Eugene Mirman Quotes) Oh, Hello. I’m Eugene Mirman, and I’m here to introduce my special. It’s called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory (Eugene Mirman Quotes)