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Elayne Boosler Quotes

And then you meet one person and your life changes forever
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I told you I'll be ready in FIVE minutes, stop calling me every half hour
A year from now you'll wish you started today
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The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary
What a beautiful world it would be if people had hearts like dogs
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When I first saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew
Don't look back you're not going that way
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I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work
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Text Quotes
WHEN THE SUN COMES UP, I HAVE MORALS AGAIN  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I’m pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I can’t get married. I can’t fake sleep for 30 years.  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I’m just a person trapped inside a woman’s body  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) Horse racing is waning in popularity  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony’s, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) Calgary wins for my coldest New Year’s Eve gig. That’s when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers’ breath coming out of my phone  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, ‘There goes our beach house.’  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) As a standup comedian, I’ve worked almost every New Year’s Eve of my adult life. It’s the best-paying night of the year  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There’s nothing more satisfying  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) Laundry’s easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put ‘em on, dry ‘em with a hair blower  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.’  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It’s not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It’s the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is ‘Delete.’  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it’s my kind of politics. It’s like being Jewish in front of Jewish people  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I’d much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it’s during a basketball game, because then I’ll have, what, 10, 12 years to live  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you’d go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it’s my kind of politics. It’s like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s under water. But it’s certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.  (Elayne Boosler Quotes) I wasn’t funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.  (Elayne Boosler Quotes)
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