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Conan OBrien Quotes
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Friendship Quotes
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Life Quotes
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Motivational Quotes
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Text Quotes
Tomorrow is Election Day. That’s the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn’t register to vote (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Don’t thank your parents. If you were raised in a nurturing environment, you wouldn’t be in show business. Don’t say, ‘Wow, this is heavy.’ Of course it’s heavy. It contains the shattered dreams of four other people (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Tough Olympic news for the Romneys. Ann Romney’s horse Rafalka did not advance to the Olympic finals. Apparently it was beat by a smooth-talking socialist horse from Kenya (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Saudi Arabia’s first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he’s been asked to join the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they’ll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic (Conan OBrien Quotes)
So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can’t wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn’t aired yet. NBC apologized saying, ‘We’re just not used to people watching our network.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you’re swimming (Conan OBrien Quotes)
According to the latest poll in the Washington Post, 63 percent of Americans said that so far they approve of President Bush. Not surprisingly, the other 37 percent are English teachers (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Herman Cain is out there, he says a lot of provocative things. He said America should build its own Great Wall of China. Cain says it’s a great idea because if there’s one thing you don’t see in China, it’s Mexicans (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Rick Perry said America’s revolutionary war was fought in the 16th century. When told it was actually the 18th century, Perry apologized and said, ‘I never said I was a geology major.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady’s glasses (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna be the new governor of California. During his acceptance speech Arnold said ‘I will not let you down.’ Unfortunately, at the time Arnold was holding a woman over his head and looking up her dress (Conan OBrien Quotes)
In his apology, Arnold Schwarzenegger said he was sorry to the women that he groped, and he admitted that he had acted badly. Not only that, Arnold then apologized for acting badly in all of his movies (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Arnold Schwarzenegger is in some trouble. Today, the Los Angeles Times broke a story that quoted six women who claimed that Arnold Schwarzenegger sexually harassed them. When asked about it, President Clinton said ‘six? That’s not enough experience to be governor.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
It’s been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft had surgery to remove his gall bladder. Doctors say the surgery was difficult because Ashcroft refused to take his clothes off (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Over the weekend, former Enron executives Jeffrey Skilling and Rebecca Carter married each other during a huge ceremony in Houston. The happy couple is planning to honeymoon for three weeks in front of Congress (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies (Conan OBrien Quotes)
First Lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don’t worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK (Conan OBrien Quotes)
President Obama, by the way, has set a Guinness World Record as the fastest person to get a million Twitter followers. Obama now has as many followers as the Republicans have presidential candidates (Conan OBrien Quotes)
The Chinese government launched China’s first 24-hour news channel. And since the channel will only report stories that are favorable to the ruling party, they’ve decided to call it Fox News (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Senator John Kerry is in trouble for making a joke about soldiers being uneducated. As a result, Kerry promised to stop making jokes and stick to boring people (Conan OBrien Quotes)
‘Shrek 2’ made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Earlier today, President Bush said Kerry will be a tough and hard-charging opponent. That explains why Bush’s nickname for Kerry is math (Conan OBrien Quotes)
Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, ‘I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.’ (Conan OBrien Quotes)
During the Democratic presidential debate Howard Dean started off by apologizing to the crowd for having a cold. Then John Kerry apologized for once having a cold while serving his country in Vietnam (Conan OBrien Quotes)