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Steven Wright Quotes

I’m not afraid of heights, just widths Picture Quote #1

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? Picture Quote #1

So, do you live around here often? Picture Quote #1

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ Picture Quote #1

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’ Picture Quote #1

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’ Picture Quote #1

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The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it Picture Quote #1

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don’t know how I got there Picture Quote #1

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire Picture Quote #1

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes Picture Quote #1

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs Picture Quote #1

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone Picture Quote #1

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I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all Picture Quote #1

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, ‘do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?’. So I said, ‘oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.’ Picture Quote #1

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence Picture Quote #1

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said Picture Quote #1

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don’t remember what it was Picture Quote #1

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK Picture Quote #1

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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts Picture Quote #1

How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? Picture Quote #1

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work Picture Quote #1

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead Picture Quote #1

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money Picture Quote #1

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door Picture Quote #1

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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him Picture Quote #1

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons Picture Quote #1

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Picture Quote #1

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer Picture Quote #1

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working Picture Quote #1

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I’m not afraid of heights, just widths (Steven Wright Quotes) If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? (Steven Wright Quotes) So, do you live around here often? (Steven Wright Quotes) I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’ (Steven Wright Quotes) I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’ (Steven Wright Quotes) When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’ (Steven Wright Quotes) The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it (Steven Wright Quotes) I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don’t know how I got there (Steven Wright Quotes) I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire (Steven Wright Quotes) All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes (Steven Wright Quotes) In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs (Steven Wright Quotes) I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone (Steven Wright Quotes) I got a dog and named him ‘Stay’. Now, I go ‘Come here, Stay!’ After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn’t move at all (Steven Wright Quotes) I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, ‘do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?’. So I said, ‘oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.’ (Steven Wright Quotes) In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence (Steven Wright Quotes) When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn’t hear what he said (Steven Wright Quotes) Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don’t remember what it was (Steven Wright Quotes) Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK (Steven Wright Quotes) Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts (Steven Wright Quotes) How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? (Steven Wright Quotes) If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work (Steven Wright Quotes) Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead (Steven Wright Quotes) If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money (Steven Wright Quotes) Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door (Steven Wright Quotes) How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him (Steven Wright Quotes) Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons (Steven Wright Quotes) Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle? (Steven Wright Quotes) Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer (Steven Wright Quotes) If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working (Steven Wright Quotes) If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented (Steven Wright Quotes)

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