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Phyllis Diller Quotes

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do Picture Quote #1

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus Picture Quote #1

All I ever learned at my mother’s knee was what a bony knee looked like Picture Quote #1

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him Picture Quote #1

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war Picture Quote #1

Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed Picture Quote #1

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Isn’t my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I’m wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink Picture Quote #1

When I go to bed at night, I’ve got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown Picture Quote #1

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door Picture Quote #1

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home Picture Quote #1

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core Picture Quote #1

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going Picture Quote #1

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My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual Picture Quote #1

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up Picture Quote #1

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing Picture Quote #1

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them Picture Quote #1

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like Picture Quote #1

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you Picture Quote #1

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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot Picture Quote #1

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right Picture Quote #1

The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience Picture Quote #1

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed Picture Quote #1

When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home Picture Quote #1

The reason I’m not an alcoholic is I don’t like to drink in front of the kids... and when you’re away from them, who needs it? Picture Quote #1

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I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players Picture Quote #1

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn’t do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight Picture Quote #1

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens Picture Quote #1

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody Picture Quote #1

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning Picture Quote #1

Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus (Phyllis Diller Quotes) All I ever learned at my mother’s knee was what a bony knee looked like (Phyllis Diller Quotes) If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Isn’t my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I’m wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink (Phyllis Diller Quotes) When I go to bed at night, I’ve got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home (Phyllis Diller Quotes) It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going (Phyllis Diller Quotes) My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual (Phyllis Diller Quotes) We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them (Phyllis Diller Quotes) If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like (Phyllis Diller Quotes) The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you (Phyllis Diller Quotes) You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right (Phyllis Diller Quotes) The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed (Phyllis Diller Quotes) When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home (Phyllis Diller Quotes) The reason I’m not an alcoholic is I don’t like to drink in front of the kids... and when you’re away from them, who needs it? (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn’t do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody (Phyllis Diller Quotes) I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning (Phyllis Diller Quotes) Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it (Phyllis Diller Quotes)

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