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Paul Merton Quotes

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken - Oscar Wilde Quotes
Men go shopping to buy what they need. Women go shopping to find out what they want - Funny Quotes
Money may not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a Lamborghini - Funny Quotes
A true friend is someone who accepts your past, supports your present and encourages your future - Friend Quotes
You had me at hello - Love Quotes
Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is - Funny Quotes
A girl doesn't need anyone who doesn't need her - Marilyn Monroe Quotes
If cats could talk, they wouldn't - Cat Quotes
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Text Quotes
Have you ever had sex with a horse?  (Paul Merton Quotes) I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who’d spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.  (Paul Merton Quotes) The economics favour one-man comedy shows: all you need is one person, a microphone and a PA system. But I’m pleased so many people are making a living out of comedy - it’s a wonderful business to be in.  (Paul Merton Quotes) When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn’t about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.  (Paul Merton Quotes) I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn’t?  (Paul Merton Quotes) In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism  (Paul Merton Quotes) Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I’m now very rich  (Paul Merton Quotes) It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties - that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness  (Paul Merton Quotes) My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, ‘Excuse me, I’m trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you’re giving blow jobs to transsexuals?’  (Paul Merton Quotes) When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don’t have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I’ve won.  (Paul Merton Quotes) On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn’t, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?  (Paul Merton Quotes) When things are difficult, awful, stressful, the thing that always gets you through is a sense of humour. I don’t mean - well, maybe I do - laugh at the hangman as he puts the noose around your neck. But an eye, an ear, for the ridiculous, the absurd in life, can get you through a lot.  (Paul Merton Quotes) Beginning with a trip out to Ellis Island, I saw for myself where thousands of European immigrants took their first steps onto American soil, bringing with them nothing but their ambition: people such as Erich von Stroheim and Adolph Zukor.  (Paul Merton Quotes) I’ll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I’ve never got over it.  (Paul Merton Quotes) My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past twenty-five years.  (Paul Merton Quotes) I don’t always vote in general elections, but I think I’ve always voted Labour  (Paul Merton Quotes) Generally speaking, politicians are an odd bunch. They seem to have very thick skins and genuinely don’t care what people think. And charm is a very important part of the politician’s armoury. I try to resist that kind of charm.  (Paul Merton Quotes) I never give anyone advice: it can backfire horribly. In the 1950s, Eric Morecambe told Ken Dodd to get his teeth fixed. But those teeth turned out to be one of Dodd’s big selling points.  (Paul Merton Quotes) I read every book about Buster Keaton and Chaplin to see how they worked - it’s all about dedication, tunnel vision, pursuit of perfection, getting the gag right.  (Paul Merton Quotes) At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during ‘Meat Is Murder.’  (Paul Merton Quotes) When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations  (Paul Merton Quotes) On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn’t, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?  (Paul Merton Quotes) In a psychiatric hospital, a lot of people believe that people on TV are talking to them directly through the screen. I’m with about 500 of these people, and I’m on TV every Friday night. As I was queuing up for breakfast one morning, one guy nearly jumped out of his skin. My first thought was to go ‘Woooo!’  (Paul Merton Quotes) When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don’t have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I’ve won  (Paul Merton Quotes) Am I allowed to call myself working - class now? Because obviously I’m now very rich  (Paul Merton Quotes) I don’t always vote in general elections, but I think I’ve always voted Labour  (Paul Merton Quotes) I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties  (Paul Merton Quotes) My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past twenty-five years  (Paul Merton Quotes) And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh  (Paul Merton Quotes) I really don’t take any interest at all in contemporary comedy  (Paul Merton Quotes)
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