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Milton Berle Quotes

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies Picture Quote #1

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is Picture Quote #1

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting Picture Quote #1

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? Picture Quote #1

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list Picture Quote #1

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? Picture Quote #1

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The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired Picture Quote #1

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring Picture Quote #1

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair Picture Quote #1

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer Picture Quote #1

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already Picture Quote #1

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve! Picture Quote #1

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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours Picture Quote #1

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping Picture Quote #1

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases Picture Quote #1

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one? Picture Quote #1

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine Picture Quote #1

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry Picture Quote #1

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My wife is a real puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a valentine is foreplay Picture Quote #1

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said,

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife Picture Quote #1

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht Picture Quote #1

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received Picture Quote #1

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor Picture Quote #1

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There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list Picture Quote #1

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong Picture Quote #1

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in Picture Quote #1

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size Picture Quote #1

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat Picture Quote #1

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies (Milton Berle Quotes) Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is (Milton Berle Quotes) I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting (Milton Berle Quotes) I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank? (Milton Berle Quotes) Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list (Milton Berle Quotes) My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? (Milton Berle Quotes) The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired (Milton Berle Quotes) The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring (Milton Berle Quotes) I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair (Milton Berle Quotes) They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer (Milton Berle Quotes) My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already (Milton Berle Quotes) I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve! (Milton Berle Quotes) In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours (Milton Berle Quotes) It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping (Milton Berle Quotes) Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases (Milton Berle Quotes) Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one? (Milton Berle Quotes) I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine (Milton Berle Quotes) My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry (Milton Berle Quotes) My wife is a real puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a valentine is foreplay (Milton Berle Quotes) My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself (Milton Berle Quotes) Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife (Milton Berle Quotes) At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht (Milton Berle Quotes) Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received (Milton Berle Quotes) Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor (Milton Berle Quotes) There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list (Milton Berle Quotes) I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong (Milton Berle Quotes) I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in (Milton Berle Quotes) I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size (Milton Berle Quotes) I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat (Milton Berle Quotes) I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't (Milton Berle Quotes)

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