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Joan Rivers Quotes

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian Picture Quote #1

Two is company; three is fifty bucks Picture Quote #1

Better laid than never Picture Quote #1

Trust me, there’s not one night a week I’m not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off Picture Quote #1

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’ Picture Quote #1

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds Picture Quote #1

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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven Picture Quote #1

Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television Picture Quote #1

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t think of George Burns. And I didn’t think of him again today Picture Quote #1

My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time Picture Quote #1

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door - or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present Picture Quote #1

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life Picture Quote #1

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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace Picture Quote #1

My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor Picture Quote #1

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.’ Picture Quote #1

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. YOU get better Picture Quote #1

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it Picture Quote #1

Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker? Picture Quote #1

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My grandson is mad at me. He’s mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It’s a lot, but there’s a lot going on here Picture Quote #1

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud Picture Quote #1

I said to my husband, ‘my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.’ He said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’ Picture Quote #1

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy Picture Quote #1

I was not an attractive child. When I didn’t use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent Picture Quote #1

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers Picture Quote #1

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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark Picture Quote #1

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof Picture Quote #1

I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’ Picture Quote #1

Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do Picture Quote #1

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can’t be part of the party. Meaning, you can’t go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you’re going to make a joke about her that night Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian (Joan Rivers Quotes) Two is company; three is fifty bucks (Joan Rivers Quotes) Better laid than never (Joan Rivers Quotes) Trust me, there’s not one night a week I’m not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off (Joan Rivers Quotes) Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’ (Joan Rivers Quotes) I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was ‘the man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds (Joan Rivers Quotes) She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven (Joan Rivers Quotes) Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television (Joan Rivers Quotes) Since I met him ten years ago there hasn’t been a day that I didn’t think of George Burns. And I didn’t think of him again today (Joan Rivers Quotes) My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time (Joan Rivers Quotes) I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door - or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present (Joan Rivers Quotes) Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That’s all anyone wants: to have their parents see they’re going to be all right in life (Joan Rivers Quotes) With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace (Joan Rivers Quotes) My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor (Joan Rivers Quotes) I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.’ (Joan Rivers Quotes) I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. YOU get better (Joan Rivers Quotes) I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it (Joan Rivers Quotes) Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker? (Joan Rivers Quotes) My grandson is mad at me. He’s mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It’s a lot, but there’s a lot going on here (Joan Rivers Quotes) The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud (Joan Rivers Quotes) I said to my husband, ‘my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs.’ He said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’ (Joan Rivers Quotes) A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy (Joan Rivers Quotes) I was not an attractive child. When I didn’t use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent (Joan Rivers Quotes) Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers (Joan Rivers Quotes) Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children’s books. First up: ‘Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.’ (Joan Rivers Quotes) The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark (Joan Rivers Quotes) I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof (Joan Rivers Quotes) I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’ (Joan Rivers Quotes) Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do (Joan Rivers Quotes) But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can’t be part of the party. Meaning, you can’t go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you’re going to make a joke about her that night (Joan Rivers Quotes)

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