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Jimmy Fallon Quotes
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![It would’ve been amazing [to work as programmer]. You’re good at numbers, you’re good with people, you like to wear shorts in the summertime Picture Quote #1](https://img.picturequotes.com/2/837/836022/836022.webp "It would’ve been amazing [to work as programmer]. You’re good at numbers, you’re good with people, you like to wear shorts in the summertime Picture Quote #1")
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Text Quotes
The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Lincoln Chafee, former governor of Rhode Island, announced he’s running for president. Before he announced he’s running, his wife went on Facebook and asked his staff if they remembered his password. Because if a Facebook password is too hard to remember, the launch codes for the nukes should be a piece of cake (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he’d be ‘Rocky Road.’ I don’t know, Perry’s not really any flavor of ice cream. He’s just the brain freeze part (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Big news from last night’s Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That’s like someone running over your dog and saying, ‘Don’t worry, my car is fine.’ (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Today, President Obama finally met with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re capturing it with ducks (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Scott Walker’s campaign slogan is ‘Reform. Growth. Safety.’ Which is actually similar to Donald Trump’s new slogan: ‘Mexico. Money. Crazy.’ (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be ‘the greatest jobs president that God ever created.’ Then God said, ‘Hey, don’t drag me into this publicity stunt.’ (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who’d definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Trump is running for president and he’s wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush’s birth certificate (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Donald Trump’s not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn’t need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham’s personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced ‘The Godfather’ and said his nickname used to be ‘Veto Corleone’ because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you’re the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn’t bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, ‘I like people that weren’t captured.’ Not good. In fact, Trump’s people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham’s cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he’s getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham’s latest campaign slogan, ‘New phone, who dis?’ (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump’s campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, ‘fired up the crazies.’ Not to be confused with Trump’s show ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ where he just FIRED the crazies (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Donald Trump’s campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That’s like giving your money to a pile of money (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you’re keeping score, that’s robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0 (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
Earlier this week Donald Trump gave an interview with CNN at a winery he owns in Virginia. It turns out Trump’s winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
In a new poll of Democratic voters, presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee came in with zero percent support. Or in other words: We’re all tied with presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. It’s pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name ... headlights. (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
...Being a father is the most exciting, amazing thing that ever happened to me. (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
It would’ve been amazing [to work as programmer]. You’re good at numbers, you’re good with people, you like to wear shorts in the summertime. (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said ‘Close, but no cigar.’ (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)