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Jimmy Fallon Quotes

A year from now you'll wish you started today - Work Quotes
Together is my favorite place to be - Love Quotes
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why - Mark Twain Quotes
The darkest nights produce the brightest stars - Motivational Quotes
What a beautiful world it would be if people had hearts like dogs - Dog Quotes
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken - Oscar Wilde Quotes
Don't look back you're not going that way - Inspirational Quotes
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work - Fail Quotes
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Text Quotes
A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.’  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) A new study found that Americans are exercising more than ever but still not losing much weight. Not good in fact, it’s all I could think about on my jog to Dunkin’ Donuts  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) A girl in New York whose parents were on Wife Swap is suing the show for 100-million dollars for making her look like a spoiled brat. Note to girl: guess what else makes you look like a spoiled brat? Being 15 and suing for a hundred million dollars  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that is also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, ‘You mean I’ve been eating a dangerous chemical?’ While most people were like, ‘You mean I can eat my yoga mat?’  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) I love Nashville. I’ve been here so many times... oh man, I would stay here for a year if I could. It’s just so much fun  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) I read that yesterday, the Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it was seen leaving a bar with the American dollar  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) This week, a 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world’s oldest newlyweds. They’re registered at Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. And just like New York taxis, they’re all going to be driven by aliens  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) Happy birthday to Arnold Palmer, who turned 82. That’s 41 years iced tea and 41 years lemonade  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White’s seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) This morning my dad called me up and said, ‘So, tonight’s your last show, huh.’ And I said, ‘No, Dad, that’s someone else.’  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) President Obama broke a world record after he reached a million followers on Twitter in just five hours. The only guys not following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track months ago  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, ‘Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.’  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, ‘As I like to tell the ‘C’ students, you too can be president.’ Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) That’s right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we’ve seen this month. This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, ‘That looks fake.’  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield’s fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) It’s Friday. That’s one reason to celebrate. Also, it’s the first day in a long time when no one declared they’re running for president  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy’s Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy’s Country Ham House  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to ‘life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.’  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) Hillary Clinton’s younger brother Tony is facing criticism for using the Clintons’ political connections to help his career. So on the down side, she has a sketchy brother named Tony. On the up side, she just locked up every vote in New Jersey  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) They’re making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date, called ‘Southside With You,’ and the producers say they’ve already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I’m not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes) The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden  (Jimmy Fallon Quotes)
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