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Jack Handey Quotes

When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe Picture Quote #1

People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes? Picture Quote #1

Isn’t it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth? Picture Quote #1

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we’re not ready. But maybe they’ll change their tune after a little torture Picture Quote #1

If you’re a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith Picture Quote #1

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns Picture Quote #1

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I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I’d have all my money back Picture Quote #1

If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away Picture Quote #1

If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby Picture Quote #1

Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that’s the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise Picture Quote #1

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me Picture Quote #1

You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I’m telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy Picture Quote #1

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Isn’t it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you’re just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road? Picture Quote #1

Sometimes I wonder if I’m patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides Picture Quote #1

It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating Picture Quote #1

If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I’d go, but I’d try to find some excuse to leave early Picture Quote #1

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful Picture Quote #1

It’s not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you Picture Quote #1

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If you ever discover that what you’re seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life Picture Quote #1

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home, his face might burn up Picture Quote #1

I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick Picture Quote #1

I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel Picture Quote #1

Here’s a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you Picture Quote #1

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I’ll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me Picture Quote #1

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He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that’s what I hated about him Picture Quote #1

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs Picture Quote #1

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that Picture Quote #1

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can’t hypnotize you Picture Quote #1

It’s amazing to me that one of the world’s most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world’s smallest animals: the real tiny dog Picture Quote #1

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

When you first start wearing a turban, probably the most common mistake is wrapping it too tight. You have to allow the head to breathe (Jack Handey Quotes) People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes? (Jack Handey Quotes) Isn’t it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth? (Jack Handey Quotes) Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we’re not ready. But maybe they’ll change their tune after a little torture (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith (Jack Handey Quotes) When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns (Jack Handey Quotes) I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I’d have all my money back (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away (Jack Handey Quotes) If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic skeleton and lay it in their yard. Then tell them their ants ate your baby (Jack Handey Quotes) Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that’s the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise (Jack Handey Quotes) We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me (Jack Handey Quotes) You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if you want to. But I’m telling you, I will bark at any sound I hear and it will drive you crazy (Jack Handey Quotes) Isn’t it funny how one minute life can be such a struggle, and the next minute you’re just driving real fast, swerving back and forth across the road? (Jack Handey Quotes) Sometimes I wonder if I’m patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating (Jack Handey Quotes) If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess I’d go, but I’d try to find some excuse to leave early (Jack Handey Quotes) Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you (Jack Handey Quotes) If you ever discover that what you’re seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life (Jack Handey Quotes) Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home, his face might burn up (Jack Handey Quotes) I think one way police departments could make some money would be to hold a yard sale of murder weapons. Many people, for example, could probably use a cheap ice pick (Jack Handey Quotes) I bet what happend was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel (Jack Handey Quotes) Here’s a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at you (Jack Handey Quotes) I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I’ll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me (Jack Handey Quotes) He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that’s what I hated about him (Jack Handey Quotes) If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs (Jack Handey Quotes) The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that (Jack Handey Quotes) I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can’t hypnotize you (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s amazing to me that one of the world’s most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world’s smallest animals: the real tiny dog (Jack Handey Quotes) Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think (Jack Handey Quotes)

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