|

|

Advertisements

Jack Handey Quotes

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness Picture Quote #1

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something Picture Quote #1

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don’t even care, do you Picture Quote #1

If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we’re not going to hurt it Picture Quote #1

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now Picture Quote #1

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there’s the monster, sound asleep Picture Quote #1

Isn’t it funny how we’ll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it’s not the moon but a streetlight? Also what’s funny is how we do this every night Picture Quote #1

I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president Picture Quote #1

If you’re ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he’s dragging the rattrap because it didn’t quite kill him, just tell the people he’s your pet and that’s a trick you taught him Picture Quote #1

I think there probably should be a rule that if you’re talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it’s understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense Picture Quote #1

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It’s simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

If you’re traveling in a time machine, and you’re eating corn on the cob, I don’t think it’s going to affect things one way or the other. But here’s the point I’m trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn’t it Picture Quote #1

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake! Picture Quote #1

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way Picture Quote #1

To me, there’s no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there’s a globe lying next to him Picture Quote #1

If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised Picture Quote #1

If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out Picture Quote #1

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not? Picture Quote #1

I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy Picture Quote #1

If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone’s lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you’re all over their lip! Picture Quote #1

If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don’t think you could cover fuses in just one class. It’s just too rich a subject Picture Quote #1

Here’s a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don’t taste like it Picture Quote #1

Advertisements

I wish there was a disease where you’re afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I’m not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something Picture Quote #1

When you go to a party at somebody’s house, don’t automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often Picture Quote #1

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair Picture Quote #1

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen’s round metal hat Picture Quote #1

Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving Picture Quote #1

How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don’t also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive Picture Quote #1

1 - 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

Advertisements

Text Quotes

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that’s another weakness (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something (Jack Handey Quotes) You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don’t even care, do you (Jack Handey Quotes) If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we’re not going to hurt it (Jack Handey Quotes) Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now (Jack Handey Quotes) If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance (Jack Handey Quotes) A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there’s the monster, sound asleep (Jack Handey Quotes) Isn’t it funny how we’ll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it’s not the moon but a streetlight? Also what’s funny is how we do this every night (Jack Handey Quotes) I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he’s dragging the rattrap because it didn’t quite kill him, just tell the people he’s your pet and that’s a trick you taught him (Jack Handey Quotes) I think there probably should be a rule that if you’re talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it’s understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense (Jack Handey Quotes) Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It’s simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re traveling in a time machine, and you’re eating corn on the cob, I don’t think it’s going to affect things one way or the other. But here’s the point I’m trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn’t it (Jack Handey Quotes) I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you’re in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake! (Jack Handey Quotes) Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way (Jack Handey Quotes) To me, there’s no better symbol for the world than a grasshopper lying dead on a gravel road, and maybe there’s a globe lying next to him (Jack Handey Quotes) If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you’d really be surprised (Jack Handey Quotes) If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall (Jack Handey Quotes) If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out (Jack Handey Quotes) I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not? (Jack Handey Quotes) I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy (Jack Handey Quotes) If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone’s lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you’re all over their lip! (Jack Handey Quotes) If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don’t think you could cover fuses in just one class. It’s just too rich a subject (Jack Handey Quotes) Here’s a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don’t taste like it (Jack Handey Quotes) I wish there was a disease where you’re afraid of clouds, because I think I could cure it. First, you sit the patient down and have a long personal talk. After that, I’m not sure, but maybe you could throw some water in his face or something (Jack Handey Quotes) When you go to a party at somebody’s house, don’t automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often (Jack Handey Quotes) People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don’t understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair (Jack Handey Quotes) Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen’s round metal hat (Jack Handey Quotes) Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on foot and lived to tell about it. So, he decided to get back in his car and keep driving (Jack Handey Quotes) How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronauts don’t also shoot some fireworks out the window? It would make the whole takeoff look more impressive (Jack Handey Quotes)

1 - 2 3 4 5 6 7 8