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Jack Handey Quotes

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they’d still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn’t eat as much Picture Quote #1

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges Picture Quote #1

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality Picture Quote #1

Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again Picture Quote #1

Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a dear Picture Quote #1

It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight Picture Quote #1

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If I ever get rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now Picture Quote #1

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny Picture Quote #1

I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They’re sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur Picture Quote #1

Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out Picture Quote #1

Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are Picture Quote #1

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet Picture Quote #1

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I had dreams once. Once I wanted to build the world’s longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it Picture Quote #1

The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman Picture Quote #1

If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin Picture Quote #1

Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But in the future, maybe we’ll go to another planet and kill their dinosaurs Picture Quote #1

Just because swans mate for life, I don’t think its that big a deal. First of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you’ve got, so why not mate for life? Picture Quote #1

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books Picture Quote #1

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I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching Picture Quote #1

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact Picture Quote #1

You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?! Picture Quote #1

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window Picture Quote #1

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door Picture Quote #1

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you Picture Quote #1

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I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away Picture Quote #1

If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been Picture Quote #1

If you’re a boxing referee, it’s probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors Picture Quote #1

A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it Picture Quote #1

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money Picture Quote #1

I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary! Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they’d still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn’t eat as much (Jack Handey Quotes) When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges (Jack Handey Quotes) I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality (Jack Handey Quotes) Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again (Jack Handey Quotes) Most people don’t realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a dear (Jack Handey Quotes) It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight (Jack Handey Quotes) If I ever get rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like I am now (Jack Handey Quotes) Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny (Jack Handey Quotes) I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They’re sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur (Jack Handey Quotes) Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out (Jack Handey Quotes) Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are (Jack Handey Quotes) Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet (Jack Handey Quotes) I had dreams once. Once I wanted to build the world’s longest suspension bridge. But then I found out someone else had already done it (Jack Handey Quotes) The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin (Jack Handey Quotes) Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But in the future, maybe we’ll go to another planet and kill their dinosaurs (Jack Handey Quotes) Just because swans mate for life, I don’t think its that big a deal. First of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you’ve got, so why not mate for life? (Jack Handey Quotes) Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books (Jack Handey Quotes) I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching (Jack Handey Quotes) If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact (Jack Handey Quotes) You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?! (Jack Handey Quotes) Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window (Jack Handey Quotes) Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door (Jack Handey Quotes) If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you (Jack Handey Quotes) I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy’s glove touch your lips, because you don’t know where that glove has been (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re a boxing referee, it’s probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors (Jack Handey Quotes) A man doesn’t automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money (Jack Handey Quotes) I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary! (Jack Handey Quotes)

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