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Jack Handey Quotes

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny Picture Quote #1

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea Picture Quote #1

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it Picture Quote #1

Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids Picture Quote #1

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap? Picture Quote #1

It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire Picture Quote #1

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One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake Picture Quote #1

Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn’t kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger Picture Quote #1

One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse Picture Quote #1

If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you Picture Quote #1

Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don’t think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass Picture Quote #1

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness Picture Quote #1

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It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars Picture Quote #1

If you ever feel like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn’t that better? Picture Quote #1

In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you Picture Quote #1

You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood Picture Quote #1

Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? Picture Quote #1

Let’s be honest: Isn’t a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves? Picture Quote #1

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If you go to a costume party at your boss’s house, wouldn’t you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss’s wife? Trust me, it’s not Picture Quote #1

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I’m going insane again Picture Quote #1

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants Picture Quote #1

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins Picture Quote #1

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program! Picture Quote #1

I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence! Picture Quote #1

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I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it’d be fun to make chew marks in the shape of continents Picture Quote #1

When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close Picture Quote #1

I don’t like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they’re watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe Picture Quote #1

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Picture Quote #1

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk Picture Quote #1

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny. (Jack Handey Quotes) You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. (Jack Handey Quotes) I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it (Jack Handey Quotes) Remember, kids in the backseat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids (Jack Handey Quotes) We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap? (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire (Jack Handey Quotes) One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake (Jack Handey Quotes) Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn’t kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger (Jack Handey Quotes) One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse (Jack Handey Quotes) If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don’t let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he’ll thank you (Jack Handey Quotes) Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don’t think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass (Jack Handey Quotes) For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here’s a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in the trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars (Jack Handey Quotes) If you ever feel like you’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine all my shoes. There, isn’t that better? (Jack Handey Quotes) In weightlifting, I don’t think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you (Jack Handey Quotes) You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood (Jack Handey Quotes) Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? (Jack Handey Quotes) Let’s be honest: Isn’t a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves? (Jack Handey Quotes) If you go to a costume party at your boss’s house, wouldn’t you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss’s wife? Trust me, it’s not (Jack Handey Quotes) Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I’m going insane again (Jack Handey Quotes) Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants (Jack Handey Quotes) I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins (Jack Handey Quotes) Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program! (Jack Handey Quotes) I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence! (Jack Handey Quotes) I wish scientists would come up with an ear of corn that was big and round, because then when you were eating it, it’d be fun to make chew marks in the shape of continents (Jack Handey Quotes) When you’re going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close (Jack Handey Quotes) I don’t like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they’re watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe (Jack Handey Quotes) I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? (Jack Handey Quotes) Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk (Jack Handey Quotes) If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason (Jack Handey Quotes)

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