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Jack Handey Quotes

A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke Picture Quote #1

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, ummmm, boy Picture Quote #1

I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what’s wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit Picture Quote #1

I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge Picture Quote #1

I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad Picture Quote #1

In some places it’s known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot’s Merry-go-round. But around here they’ll always be known as screw-boys Picture Quote #1

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Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar Picture Quote #1

If Alien was my friend, I’d like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he’d probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien! Picture Quote #1

Once I saw my parents argue because we didn’t have a lot of money anymore. So, I did what I had to do. I got my piggy bank and I went out to the backyard and buried it Picture Quote #1

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I can’t change, and a great big bag of money Picture Quote #1

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact Picture Quote #1

If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be! Picture Quote #1

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If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don’t think you could cover fuses in just one class. It’s just too rich a subject Picture Quote #1

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk Picture Quote #1

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful Picture Quote #1

If you’re a boxing referee, it’s probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors Picture Quote #1

If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out Picture Quote #1

Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings Picture Quote #1

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One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse Picture Quote #1

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see Picture Quote #1

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I’d have all my money back Picture Quote #1

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex Picture Quote #1

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching Picture Quote #1

It’s not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you Picture Quote #1

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If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them Picture Quote #1

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance Picture Quote #1

There’s nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves Picture Quote #1

It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something Picture Quote #1

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming Picture Quote #1

Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

A funny thing is if you’re out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you’re going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend YOU got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who’s going to get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That’s why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke (Jack Handey Quotes) When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, ummmm, boy (Jack Handey Quotes) I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what’s wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit (Jack Handey Quotes) I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge (Jack Handey Quotes) I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad (Jack Handey Quotes) In some places it’s known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot’s Merry-go-round. But around here they’ll always be known as screw-boys (Jack Handey Quotes) Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar (Jack Handey Quotes) If Alien was my friend, I’d like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he’d probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien! (Jack Handey Quotes) Once I saw my parents argue because we didn’t have a lot of money anymore. So, I did what I had to do. I got my piggy bank and I went out to the backyard and buried it (Jack Handey Quotes) Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I can’t change, and a great big bag of money (Jack Handey Quotes) If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact. (Jack Handey Quotes) If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you note to everyone who sent me a nice, expensive present, what a wonderful world that would be! (Jack Handey Quotes) If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don’t think you could cover fuses in just one class. It’s just too rich a subject. (Jack Handey Quotes) Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk. (Jack Handey Quotes) Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful. (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re a boxing referee, it’s probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. (Jack Handey Quotes) If I ever become a mummy, I’m going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out. (Jack Handey Quotes) Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings. (Jack Handey Quotes) One thing a computer can do that most humans can’t is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. (Jack Handey Quotes) Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey Quotes) I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I’d have all my money back. (Jack Handey Quotes) I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex. (Jack Handey Quotes) I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching. (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. (Jack Handey Quotes) If you’re in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. (Jack Handey Quotes) If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don’t think it necessarily means you’re a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. (Jack Handey Quotes) There’s nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves. (Jack Handey Quotes) It’s probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you’re talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. (Jack Handey Quotes) If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. (Jack Handey Quotes) Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books. (Jack Handey Quotes)

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