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David Letterman Quotes

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure
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A year from now you'll wish you started today
The darkest nights produce the brightest stars
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Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is
Together is my favorite place to be
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I meant to behave but there were too many other options
A true friend is someone who accepts your past, supports your present and encourages your future
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Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
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Text Quotes
But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, ‘Mission accomplished!’  (David Letterman Quotes) Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused  (David Letterman Quotes) Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you’ve seen the polls, you know he’s not the only Bush in freefall  (David Letterman Quotes) Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It’s a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul  (David Letterman Quotes) President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration  (David Letterman Quotes) President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He’s been drinking again  (David Letterman Quotes) According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, ‘Mission Accomplished.’  (David Letterman Quotes) Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don’t want too many amateurs on in one night  (David Letterman Quotes) President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice’s testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too  (David Letterman Quotes) President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It’s also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20  (David Letterman Quotes) I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father’s presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that’s a pretty good move because in this economy, they won’t be able to find real jobs  (David Letterman Quotes) There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush’s military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots  (David Letterman Quotes) CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we’re number three  (David Letterman Quotes) It’s disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.  (David Letterman Quotes) After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don’t have a lifestyle.  (David Letterman Quotes) You know who’s upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It’s because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.  (David Letterman Quotes) Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.  (David Letterman Quotes) Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It’s now my screensaver.  (David Letterman Quotes) Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early  (David Letterman Quotes) You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that’s just in the hot-dogs.  (David Letterman Quotes) Don’t forget it’s daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It’s like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.  (David Letterman Quotes) A pair of ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz have been stolen. The thief is described as being armed and fabulous.  (David Letterman Quotes) The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It’s being called ‘Operation Approval Ratings.’  (David Letterman Quotes) Reasons why members of Congress deserve a pay raise: Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes; nearly half the members have never been indicted.  (David Letterman Quotes) Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They’ve created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.  (David Letterman Quotes) President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.  (David Letterman Quotes) John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he’s only 33 and then he’ll be ready to go.  (David Letterman Quotes) You’re not really drinking coffee unless you drink it black, don’t you think? Oh, no? You like to monkey with it?  (David Letterman Quotes) Here’s a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.  (David Letterman Quotes) Let’s see what’s going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream.  (David Letterman Quotes)
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