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David Letterman Quotes

You don't need someone to complete you. You only need someone to accept you completely
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A year from now you'll wish you started today
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work
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What a beautiful world it would be if people had hearts like dogs
Dogs teach us a lot of things but none more important than to love unconditionally
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Chocolate is the answer. Who cares what the question is
And then you meet one person and your life changes forever
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The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why
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Text Quotes
Newt Gingrich wants to build a colony on the Moon. OK, you say, but why? Well, he wants to be the first American to get divorced on the Moon  (David Letterman Quotes) Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar  (David Letterman Quotes) Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she’s not under-qualified for  (David Letterman Quotes) Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush  (David Letterman Quotes) John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox  (David Letterman Quotes) Sarah Palin’s book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you  (David Letterman Quotes) Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she’s against death panels. And I thought, ‘Really? She’s the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.’  (David Letterman Quotes) Sarah Palin is joining Fox News. The new slogan is ‘hair and unbalanced.’  (David Letterman Quotes) They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million  (David Letterman Quotes) You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders  (David Letterman Quotes) Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you’re trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you’re one president too late  (David Letterman Quotes) Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie ‘King Kong’ and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that’s Maria Shriver  (David Letterman Quotes) Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman’s woman  (David Letterman Quotes) It’s the first day of spring. That means this weekend I’ll take down my Christmas lights  (David Letterman Quotes) Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, ‘How long has Mom been drinking like this?’ My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’  (David Letterman Quotes) There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don’t buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They prefer to buy the bird live and then push it in front of a subway train  (David Letterman Quotes) Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he’s against same-marriage sex  (David Letterman Quotes) They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let ‘em bloat!  (David Letterman Quotes) New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn’t even fluent in English  (David Letterman Quotes) Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That’s too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century  (David Letterman Quotes) Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He’s trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian  (David Letterman Quotes) There’s a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There’s also a gravy shortage. It’s up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline  (David Letterman Quotes) Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he’s got his mother-in-law, who is going to be living with him, and they are talking about Hillary for Secretary of State. You have your mother-in-law and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like smooth sailing to me  (David Letterman Quotes) Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, ‘Thank you, Oprah.’  (David Letterman Quotes) Well, we’re just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he’s been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on ‘American Idol,’ wasn’t it?  (David Letterman Quotes) I got a call from my mom today, she says, ‘Well, David, I see you didn’t get the ‘Tonight Show’ again,’  (David Letterman Quotes) The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, ‘If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.’  (David Letterman Quotes) Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him ‘their bright new star of the future.’  (David Letterman Quotes) I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards’ phone number  (David Letterman Quotes) The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question  (David Letterman Quotes)
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