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David Letterman Quotes

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken
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When we first met, i had no idea you would be so important to me
You had me at hello
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I told you I'll be ready in FIVE minutes, stop calling me every half hour
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why
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A true friend is someone who accepts your past, supports your present and encourages your future
What a beautiful world it would be if people had hearts like dogs
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Men go shopping to buy what they need. Women go shopping to find out what they want
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Text Quotes
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China  (David Letterman Quotes) The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you’re a cardinal.  (David Letterman Quotes) Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton’s decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to Operation Forget About Whitewater.  (David Letterman Quotes) You know you’ve had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.  (David Letterman Quotes) Monday is President’s Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to ‘Hooters’. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn’t that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.  (David Letterman Quotes) Night clubs scare me. They’re dark and they stink and they’re dangerous and everybody’s drunk.  (David Letterman Quotes) The most nerve-wracking experience is an oral presentation in class. And right under that would be doing ‘Saturday Night Live’ or ‘David Letterman.’ One of those shows.  (David Letterman Quotes) The biggest threat to any politician is an artist. Comedians unleashed can do a great deal of damage. David Letterman can do more damage than any Republican assault by Newt Gingrich.  (David Letterman Quotes) I grew up loving David Letterman and Pee-wee Herman, but as far as live performance comedy, all I knew were the Jerry Seinfeld-type comedians of the world, and that’s what I thought live performance comedy was all about.  (David Letterman Quotes) I would be so mad if I saw something called a memoir, and then it was Mike Birbiglia. It would be so infuriating. It’s like, ‘Who is this guy, and why does he have a memoir?’ David Letterman could write a memoir. Joan Rivers could. I’m just a nobody. I’m a comedian and a writer.  (David Letterman Quotes) I think the first time I was on The David Letterman Show, he didn’t quite know what to expect. I think people generally are just a little afraid.  (David Letterman Quotes) Describing life out of the public eye to David Letterman, December 6th, 1996 It’s been different. I started driving again. I started cooking again. My driving’s better than my cooking. George has discovered Sam’s Club.  (David Letterman Quotes) Everybody gets inspired by different things. I grew up wanting to go up the street with a video camera because I liked watching David Letterman yell out of the ninth floor of Rockefeller Center with a megaphone at people on the street. I thought that was a riot.  (David Letterman Quotes) I was told David Letterman and Kaufman had heart attacks on the same day: David Letterman’s heart attack was at a hospital in NYC. Kaufman’s heart attack was at the red light district in Amsterdam, Holland. I think Kaufman had more fun. You’re a great artist. I just love the way you painted my portrait.  (David Letterman Quotes) They figured out a way to control that hamburger disease. You dip the hamburger into the scalding hot coffee before eating.  (David Letterman Quotes) I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can’t do is throw coffee, I’ve said it over and over again!  (David Letterman Quotes) Do you remember the good ol’ days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern  (David Letterman Quotes) Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, ‘I’ve got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.’ Yeah, that’s always the sign of a man in good health, isn’t it?  (David Letterman Quotes) Number one: Don’t frisk me. Don’t hurt me physically. Don’t get anywhere near my neck. And don’t call me Regis.  (David Letterman Quotes) You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I’m thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.  (David Letterman Quotes) You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?  (David Letterman Quotes) Apparently, there’s something hinky about the new iPhones. They’re not hooked up right. There’s a problem with the antenna. They don’t like to be held - like my ex-wife.  (David Letterman Quotes) In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun  (David Letterman Quotes) It’s interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.  (David Letterman Quotes) Here’s what the kids get. They get free McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I’m thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.  (David Letterman Quotes) There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting  (David Letterman Quotes) Hillary’s trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.  (David Letterman Quotes) The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.  (David Letterman Quotes) Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address - while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!  (David Letterman Quotes) Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.  (David Letterman Quotes)
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