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Daniel Tosh Quotes

I’m aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too Picture Quote #1

I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range Picture Quote #1

God does not hate gay people. He’s just mad because they found a loophole in His system Picture Quote #1

If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders Picture Quote #1

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again Picture Quote #1

I don’t know why I get away with some things. But I’m not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit Picture Quote #1

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I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them Picture Quote #1

I don’t know, maybe I’m immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she’s in the shower Picture Quote #1

E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends Picture Quote #1

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything? Picture Quote #1

I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast Picture Quote #1

No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers Picture Quote #1

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Finding my dog’s g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit Picture Quote #1

Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it’s an HIV test Picture Quote #1

I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow Picture Quote #1

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb! Picture Quote #1

I can say that. I have a television show Picture Quote #1

I’m sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they’re clearly sixes at best Picture Quote #1

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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? Picture Quote #1

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with Picture Quote #1

We’ll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth’s name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Picture Quote #1

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing ‘A’ really fast somewhere Picture Quote #1

I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling Picture Quote #1

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I’m gonna be pissed Picture Quote #1

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I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon Picture Quote #1

I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I’m doing you a favor Picture Quote #1

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly Picture Quote #1

Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing Picture Quote #1

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep Picture Quote #1

I’m sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they’re clearly sixes at best Picture Quote #1

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Friendship Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Quotes

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Text Quotes

I’m aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) God does not hate gay people. He’s just mad because they found a loophole in His system. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) If it weren’t for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I don’t know why I get away with some things. But I’m not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I’m not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I don’t know, maybe I’m immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she’s in the shower. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) E foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything? (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Finding my dog’s g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it’s an HIV test. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I will shut down Instagram so girls can’t use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you’re eyes aren’t that blue, and you don’t glow. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb! (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I can say that. I have a television show (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I’m sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they’re clearly sixes at best (Daniel Tosh Quotes) The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with (Daniel Tosh Quotes) We’ll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth’s name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? (Daniel Tosh Quotes) That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing ‘A’ really fast somewhere (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I really don’t work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It’s really made the touring a lot less grueling (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I’m gonna be pissed (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I’m doing you a favor (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep. (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I’m sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they’re clearly sixes at best. (Daniel Tosh Quotes)

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