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Daniel Tosh Quotes

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure
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A girl doesn't need anyone who doesn't need her
When we first met, i had no idea you would be so important to me
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I like me a little bit more when i'm with you
You had me at hello
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I meant to behave but there were too many other options
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why
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Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
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Friendship Quotes Love Quotes Life Quotes Funny Quotes Motivational Quotes Inspirational Quotes
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Text Quotes
There’s only one thing better than the cutest cat in the world  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I’m not honest, but you’re interesting!  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) At least gays don’t kill babies before their due date  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Germany’s like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Describe your perfect man who looks like me...  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I fell asleep watching the country music channel and woke up racist  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I will not date a woman from China, because that is a big red flag  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) The only thing better than the world’s cutest cat is any dog  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) When you’re in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It’s like diarrhea for your heart.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) The hardest working person in showbusiness has never been or ever will be a ‘famous person’.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they’d taste like their ethnic background?  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) It’s not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I don’t know what popping-and-locking is but I know to lock my car door whenever people are doing it.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I don’t know why I get away with some things. But I’m not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Being an ugly girl is like being a man... You’re going to have to work  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) I don’t want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I’m happy, or at least I look like it.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes) They say money doesn’t buy happiness. That phrase should end with ‘just kidding’.  (Daniel Tosh Quotes)
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